Factgirl

What???

2008-01-16T08:58:00.000-08:00

You haven't changed your link yet to www.factgirl.com?

Don't worry! Neither has my husband!

Change those links now, puppies, or fhwrdh is getting cold pizza for dinner!

Resurrection

2008-01-12T08:19:00.000-08:00

Any blog post with "ection" in the title is sure to bring in new readers I bet - so welcome if this is your first visit. I am hoping that this will be your last visit as well. All you regular readers too. Fare well to each and every one of you.

Oh no, don't be like that... your eyes all welling up with tears. Wipe them away this instant and fix your make up, I'm not leaving you, I'm moving!

Some of you already link to www.factgirl.com, if you are one of those lucky few, do nothing. You will be automatically directed to the resurrected site.

If you link directly to this Blogspot page, please take a moment and change your link to www.factgirl.com. I promise you will be rewarded with extra posts and a blog that is infused with the humor of a thousand Steve Martins. (ok, that is a lie. Steve Martin is way funnier than I am. I can, however, guarantee the humor of a thousand Gallaghers)

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you like the changes I've made!

Pokerstars Blogger Championship

2007-10-05T03:05:00.002-07:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6422114

I'm pretty sure I'll beat Speaker.

If you are in the South...

2007-09-17T23:10:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all!

Heads up if you are anywhere near Greenville, South Carolina. My friends Susan and Dave started a new restaurant there in July called American Grocery Restaurant.

They were just named Best New Restaurant in Greenville and featured in on the cover of Link Magazine for Southern Exposure (that's pastry chef Susan - can you tell she is a former model and ballerina?)

Anyway, check out the link above and if you are close give them a try. They are wonderful chefs and amazing people.

Play Winning Bubbly Poker

2007-09-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

If you want to play winning alcohol poker you have to watch the master: Kobe Bryant.

Kobe was with his special lady (his wife in this case) at the opening of Blush Nightclub in Las Vegas. He heard Antonio Esfandiari order two bottle of Christal, and wasn't going to let that go... he ordered five bottles.

AS is no slouch - he raised Kobe TEN bottles! Kobe re-raised FIFTEEN bottles and AE folded.

The best part? Kobe paid the $21,000 tab and left before one bottle was delivered!

via TMZ

-----

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First Day of School!

2007-09-03T08:58:00.001-07:00

Yep first day of school - don't they look like nice little children?

They are tricking you! Their rooms are a mess and they are up to no good!

***

Who Likes to Rock the Party?

2007-09-02T07:53:00.000-07:00

I like to rock the party!

In the post below you will find my recap of our year in Ireland - but here's what's coming up for us:

Poker goal: to stop making sucky calls. It is one donkey call that puts me out of every single tourney I enter. I take full responsibility. Also this elf that sits next to me who chants "you have him so beat!" over and over.

Parenting goal: to teach my kids how to ride bikes without training wheels. Sub-goal: buy kids bikes.

Personal goal: Go back to school - I enrolled in two archeology classes at University College Dublin. wish me luck!

Travel goal: Spain, Southern France, Italian Coast, Scotland, Sweden, whatever opportunity comes up.

Party goal: rock party (as usual)

A Year Abroad

2007-08-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

August 6 marked our first year as residents of Ireland. This has been the most amazing and wonderful journey of my life and I have learned so much. I realize I have not blogged as much as I should about all the incredible things I have been doing - but I have been out doing incredible things! (is that even an excuse?)

If you are remotely interested, here is a recap of this year:

We arrived and set about looking for a house right away. It was important to get the kids settled before school started. We found a semi-detached (we share a wall with the neighbors) in a little town called Glenageary. Glenageary means field of sheep and the towns claim to fame is being the childhood home to Sinead O'Connor. From our back windows we can see the Irish Sea, James Joyce Tower (where Ulyses begins), and a castle.

Our next big job was getting the kids into school. We had organized them places in a local school, but when we showed up the first day they looked at us like we were from another planet. Jelly picked that moment to show off the absolute worst behavior EVER. When the principal offered to shake hands with him, he actually grabbed it and licked her! AAAAAA!!! We were shown the door and I yelled at him all the way home.

To get Hellcat into a school I had to join the parish church to get the pastor to sign an entrance form. so I dutifully churched it up and actually enjoyed myself - until I shocked the entire congregation by slurping the communion wine a little too loudly. Helly got into a lovely little school with one teacher per grade. She is enjoying being a big fish in a little pond.

Jelly was another story. I wasn't able to find my boy a place in school until December! I tried homeschooling him with some books lent to me by Helly's school, but we both found that homeschoolers have a special kind of crazy we do not possess. He finally got into a wonderful boy's school with an aide who is perfect for him.

We set about seeing Ireland and the rest of Europe. We took long weekends in London, Venice and Paris, as well as exploring Dublin, Galway, Cork and even took in an American Football game in Belfast (go Rebels!) Paris was especially my favorite - we had a little apartment close to Notre Dame Cathedral that made us feel like real Parisians.

The things I miss about Los Angeles are my family and friends. At first I was wishing for a CPK Barbeque Chicken Salad, but the withdrawal symptoms soon subsided as I enjoyed Guinness after Guinness and fish and chips after fish and chips.

Poker is stabilizing - I am starting to get my concentration back for the long tourneys and my finishes are getting higher and higher. Baby steps are good right?

I will blog more - now - the kids go back to school tomorrow! ROCK!

Where have I been - what do you mean where have I been???

2007-05-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hi peepley poos! OK ok I guess I haven't blogged in a while. I have an excuse. Here, read it:

Dear Peeps,

Please excuse facty from writing in her blog for the last little while. She has had a lot on her mind with all the sucking at poker and parenting she has been doing.

Sincerely,
Facty's Mom

There. happy? yay!On to the blogging.

First: POKER

Poker is a game that sucks and should die diE DIE! Or maybe I should start playing better. I dropped down in levels and am committed to playing with more discipline - but it feels like the game has gotten tougher.

Second: PARENTING

My kids are ready for summer to start and ready for a visit home with their cousins. Thus, it is the time of year for struggles to get to school.

Yesterday my son was very mad at his teacher for making him write a story, so he wrote "I saw a mouse. I used poison on it. Now its dead. The End." That's my son, the writer!

Third: What am I up to?

I am trying to get into an art history program at one of the local universities. Hanging out with a few of the poker wives, trying to keep the house clean and book travel around Europe (and home! see you in July!).

Finally, seven random things about me:

1. I sort the silverware as I put it into the dishwasher, then I can grab it by type and throw it into the silverware tray. If someone else loads the dishwasher I will re-sort the cutlery.

2. I have a keen sense of smell - I have found gas leaks in two schools with my olfactory precision!

3. I am fascinated by carnies and travellers and ren faire folk. I realize if I ever go missing the FBI will find this post and look for me there, but I am much more likely to be kidnapped by pirates that run away with the circus.

4. One time a drunk guy who loved me tried throwing rocks at my window to wake me. When that didn't work he started calling my name really really loud until my dad told him to knock it off and go home. And that drunk guys name was.... not fhwrdh!! *gasp*!

5. I'm a bit of a foodie, but wish I liked cooking more.

6. My wedding ring only cost fhwrdh one cent. (from his mother - I love my ring!)

7. My sister and I can cluck the soprano and alto parts of Halleluja Chorus from the Handel's Messiah like chickens. We are looking for two gentleman who can hold up the bass and tenor parts as a bull and goat. Astoundingly, so far no takers. Speaker?

More blogging soon my peepley poops! I promise!

Decade Mom

2007-03-27T02:28:00.000-07:00

Seven years ago I wrote this:

Three-year-old boys are usually not very interesting people.

Perhaps you work with someone who is a parent of a three-year-old boy. Once you get past the general stats (yeah, my boy can throw a football - he's got some arm I tell ya), the requisite compliment of the photo/original artwork/unrecognizable craft project (wow. Your kid made that gluesparklethingy himself? wow.) What is there to say after that? What? There are only two major things that can possibly make a three-year-old boy interesting:

Good Luck:
Inheritance - everybody loves rich people, right?
Beauty - Macaulay Culkin will never be so loved as when he was a preschooler
Talent - I saw a 3-year-old kid who could play zydeco accordion on a talk show once
Brains - that cuddly kid over there can compute pi to the 784th place! Woo!

and Bad Luck:
Poverty - Save the Children wouldn't show those hungry kids if it made people turn the channel
Disability - did you see that poor kid with the deformity/wheelchair/freckles?
Mishap - orphans, toddlers who fall down wells, survivors of crime and accident are riveting.

I am a parent of a three-year-old boy. He is bad luck interesting. Pervasive Developmental Delay. Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Sensory Integration Disorder. Asperger Type Symptoms. He is still learning to speak. He is socially inept - he may mistake hitting or headbutting as friendly gestures. He can't stand certain textures of food, strong smells, or high pitched sounds. People find him interesting. They ask questions.

"Autistic? Are you giving him extra oxygen?" Perhaps you thought I said Asthmatic.
" What's his special talent? You think he could count cards in Vegas like Rain Man?" He can freeze water with his mind.
"Can he read your mind?" Ummmmmmmmm...

They comment:

"He doesn't look autistic." Uh, Thanks?
"I'm so very sorry - how is your family handling it?" He didn't die. This is part of his personality. He wouldn't be him without it.
"You are an inspiration." You wouldn't say that if you knew I served my child pizza for dinner 5 nights in a row.

My favorite is when people give me parenting advice. The best comes from people without kids.

"He just needs some attention." I spend 20 hours a day with him - what more can I do?
"He just needs some discipline." Oh yeah - I'll be sure to crack the whip until he understands what a napkin is.
"Don't worry - He'll grow out of it." Thank you Dr. Stupid. I feel much better now.

So what, you ask, am I supposed to say to you, mother of the little boy spinning in circles, eating rocks, humming, repeating the same phrase over and over? I'll tell you. Find a Good Luck Interesting thing about him and say it.
"What a beautiful smile!"
"That is the fastest spinning I've ever seen!"
"He knows the names of all the planets! What a smart kid!"

thanks

__________________________________________________________

My boy is ten years old today! Happy Birthday Jellyface! He goes to regular school in a regular class and if you ask him how he's doing he will say "I'm great! A liiiiiiittle autistic, but great!"

He is still processing what autism means. Over the past two weeks he tried to see if he could get away with clowning in class "autism means I'm goofy!" and wiggle out of homework "I cant do all of it, I'm too autistic" but neither ploy worked. I guess he learned autism isn't an excuse - but he also knows that it isn't something he needs to fight. He has had fights with his sister over weather doctors should try to cure autism. My favorite quote from that was "I don't NEED a cure. I LIKE being autistic!" yelled at the top of his lungs.

I like him just the way he is too. I only wish I'd known when I wrote the above piece how Good Luck Interesting autism could be, and how wonderful it is to have a goofy little kid as your son.

And in Poker Community Apology News...

2007-03-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

So about 8PM GMT I received an email from another player that I was still signed up for the SEO freeroll on FTP and being blinded off.

I thought this was strange because the tourney didn't start until 9pm. hmmmmm

I logged in and played - about half the field was being blinded off. An hour later nearly 20 people signed in to find they were massively shortstacked (1400 chips vs 8k plus for the people who were playing).

It also came out that at least three players who had signed up with confirmation on the SEO website had not been entered into the tourney at all. Meanwhile, I, who had asked to be removed from the tourney was there.

If anyone needed confirmation of what a shady organization this SEO is, you have it right there.

Haley deserves a lot of credit for exposing this, I'm afraid with my last post I vented my frustration at her. I am sorry for lobbing a Boyd bomb at you - to each her own. I hope you understand that had I known how shady these guys were, I never would have signed up in the first place.

(PS I finished 10th - out of the $, which is probably karma's way of telling me I shoulda gone to bed)

And in Poker Community News...

2007-03-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, poker community, you guys are like a family (granted, there are a statistically a large number of drunk handsy uncles, but whatever).

When there is a feud or an uproar over some issue, I usually watch from the sidelines and enjoy the show. In 2006 I played in the Ladies Event at the WSOP - there was a little controversy there over ladies tournaments in general - but it was the one event I could afford and was happening while I was in Las Vegas, so I felt just fine about playing.

But this morning I woke up to this:

Haley is Shocked and Appalled Y'all!

So I unregistered. It nearly killed me to unreg from a $5000 freeroll with only 38 players. Thats how much I love you ghey bloggers. Remember that, cause here comes the tough love:

Dear Poker Blogging Community,

Hi, it's me, Facty! How are you, I am fine. Hey I wanted to write a letter to you because I noticed you aren't so great about handling your problems with each other in a respectful way.

Sometimes a blogger will do something that makes another blogger so mad - and what do you do? Call that offending blogger out on your site, making sure to use your high horse, write at least 300 words about why you are right, and remove all offending links to the site that so greivously offended you.

Friends and neighbors, that is not how you respect each other. How about a nice comment on a post or even better, and email message explaining your point of view. How about dashing off a note right away instead of posting it to your blog. That way people see it in a timely mannor and can take action on your complaint.

And finally, make sure your house is in order before you get all high and mighty. Make sure you don't have any unfortunate Dutch Boyd links before you say something like, "I do not cater to thieves, nor those who would do business with them."

I don't cater to thieves either, but if they have a bankroll and play tournament poker, I will be happy to have them at my table. I don't want to support site scrapers and spammers - I want their money!

Anyway, poker community, you guys are great and I am glad to be a member.

factually,
Facty

Tough love over my friends. Back to rainbows and unicorn poop!

Happy Irish Mother's Day

2007-03-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!

Well, today is Irish Mother's Day. 'Tis, I admit a little strange that they picked the day after the biggest drinking binge of the year for Mother's Day, but I am guessing a lot of people are wanting their mothers (and Ibuprofen) as they wake today.

Nothing disproves the old saying "luck of the Irish" more than the Irish mother. If you read Angela's Ashes like I have, you know that Irish mums are hard working, long suffering women who will lose at least two of her seven babies to typhoid, tuberculosis and streetcar accidents.

So Happy Mother's Day!

I also wanted to give you a little recap of what our family did yesterday for St Pat's because it was a very excellent day indeed. Originally, we were going to go the the parade in Dublin, but Greenbirdy was cough cough coughing in the morning so we decided to stay in. Roundabout 1pm, we all got so hungry and Greeny was feeling a little better so we headed off to Dalkey and the Ivory Pub to get some fine brunch.

As we walked in, there were only a few tables taken - the pretty young hostess asked "would ya like to sit up front? Or maybe a table in the back - the match is starting soon." The match! Of COURSE we would like a table int he back to watch the match!

The Match is, of course, the Six Nations Rugby game between Ireland and Italy. Ireland had won all of its games and was in contention to win the big trophy! We ordered some brunch (fh had Smoked Salmon Eggs Benedict, I had a Spicy Chicken Wrap, and the kids had nuggets and chips) and settled in as the crowd grew larger and louder.

The Guinness was flowing and the air was buzzing with the excitement of the fans. The game began with the singing of the Irish National Anthem Amhrán na bhFiann (the Soldier's Song), which sounds less like an anthem and more like a drunken bar song - everyone sang along loudly and with all their hearts. Then it was time for the Italian national anthem (which may be the only national anthem in the world that thanks all the maidens for their "invitation of love"), the entire pub fell silent - no boos or catcalls, just no reactions at all. The Irish aren't considered the most sportsmanlike fans in the world for nothing!

So we watched the match and cheered Ireland to a huge victory of 51-24. This nearly gave them enough points to take the Six Nations Trophy - but Ireland lost ground in the last few seconds and Italy closed the gap. This let France score a few more in their game and take the crown. It was interesting when Italy would score, no one clapped or shouted but I heard a couple of people say things like, "they deserved that one" and "impressive run there".

A couple of cool things happened during the match. First, a guy dressed as a Leprechaun came in and met his friends to drink and cheer - and cheer he did. Anytime there was a lull in the pub, he would shout "Go Ireland!!!" and everyone cheered. I think he got a lot of rounds bought for him.

The other cool thing was when the Guinness Pub Trivia squad came in and asked if fhwrdh wanted to have a go at a game. He could choose the easy questions and get a free pint, or the hard questions and get a Guinness rugby shirt. "I'm American, I may not be able to do the hard ones - but I really want a shirt!" he exclaimed.

"That's OK, Ill give ya hints." the Guinness Girl replied. Her companion, who had a flat screen TV and battery pack strapped to his chest came over and the competition began. You can play along with fhwrdh! Answers posted at the end of this post!

1. What is the name of this stadium?

2. Who is this captain of the England team?

3. Who is this #8 player on the Ireland team?

So fhwrdh won a cool Guinness Rugby shirt! Yayyyyy! The owner of the Ivory came by later and dropped a matching shirt off for Jelly so my boys matched!

(picture coming as soon as blogger cooperates!)

Answers to Guinness Trivia:

1. Landsdowne Stadium
2. Martin Johnston
3. Paul O'Connell

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2007-03-17T05:16:00.000-07:00

First, drink a Guinness. This is the best thing you could ever drink.

Then, take this test: CLICK ME, I'M IRISH!

Have another Guinness. You've earned it!

Now, go shopping - tomorrow is Mother's Day in Ireland!

Time for a Guinness with the lads.

Find a cute baby, dress it up in a proud onezie and make it smile. Take a pic!

What? no access to a cute baby you say? Here, you can borrow my friend's:

That baby is so cute, let's have a Guinness!

When you wake up tomorrow afternoon don't forget to drink plenty of water and call your mum!

Slan go foil,
Facty

PS: Three months till Bloomsday.

Tie Fighter Restrictions on Dublin Streets

2007-03-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

Driving home from Pheonix Park night before last we spotted this street sign; evidently the city of Dublin doesn't want too many Empire fighters congregating near the canal. In all fairness, the canal area is an excellent place to practice your tie fighting skills, dodging swans, flying under and over bridges, and shooting lasers at pidgeons.

I wonder if X-Wings also get static from the Garda along this stretch of road.

MTFBWY

Six Weird Things About Me

2007-02-24T04:26:00.000-08:00

Here's a little meme going around the internet. If nothing else its an excuse to get writing and I was tagged by my lovely friend Gracie. So here goes:

Six Weird Things about Me

1. My epilepsy was cured by my kids! I had epileptic seizures. They lessened with my first pregnancy and disappeared all together with my second. My neurologist said it happens sometimes, but I think its weird.

2. I went to a LOT of schools! One room school house, Fort Bridger, WY - Mountain View Elementary, Mountain View, WY - Cole Elementary, Boise, ID - Eagle Elementary, Eagle, ID - Campus Elementary, Boise, ID - East Jr. High, Boise ID - Orville Wright Jr. High, Westchester, CA - Lindero Canyon Middle School, Agoura, CA - Agoura High School, Agoura, CA - Pierce College, Winnetka, CA - Santa Monica College, Santa Monica, CA - Pasadena City College, Pasadena, CA

3. I played Mae West in a Murder Mystery Dinner Theater production in Beverly Hills, CA. Its true. I shoved my poor torso into a crazy (and considerably padded) corset that made me about an inch taller than normal. The play was mediocre, I was horrible.

4. I crashed my car into a car pulled over on the side of the freeway - and I wasn't even drunk! This is a bad way to find out you have epilepsy.

5. Found out I had an older sister when I was 14. Yup! Just like on TV. She is just like us and yet so different. Sisters rule!

6. One of the Beatles hit on me! I was working at a little shop in The Beverly Center. George Harrison came in with his son and I waited on them. George was very flirty and asked me to dinner - I politely declined citing my upcoming wedding, but I secretly felt bad for all the fanatic girls in black and white newsreels who would have screamed and fainted have George (the quiet one!) ask them out.

Hope these are weird enough!

Tag - you are next: Debbie, Jo, Christine, Green Birdy, Princess and Miss April

Owchie!

2007-02-22T01:52:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you have a spine. Spines are great! They hold up our skeletons, bend in many directions and even help define us as mammals. But sometimes a spine can turn into your worst NIGHTMARE!

Let's start at the beginning. My family was very excited to be jetting off to spend a long weekend in Venice, Italy for Carnivale. I had packed Hellcat and Jellyface's backpacks full of socks, undies, and Gameboys. My backpack was at the ready and we had clothes laid out - even the coffeemaker was ready to brew at the flick of a switch. Why all the super-readyness? Because we had a 6AM flight to catch. To check in on time our alarm was set for 3:30.

(cue alarm)

I sat up in bed (as you do) and a HUGE pain shot through my lower back. I thought, "If I just stand up, my back will relax and feel much better." So I stood up. For a millisecond. Then I fell to the floor in a most dramatic fashion, and made very loud moaning sounds that alarmed my husband. He ran to rescue me, but there wasn't much to be done. We managed to get me and my spine downstairs and on the couch but the pain was still as excruciating as it was when it first struck. Italy suddenly seemed very far away indeed.

"Should I call an ambulance?" fhwrdh asked worriedly. "Yes, I believe so" I replied moaningly.

The ambulance arrived twelve hours later. fhwrdh said it was only 10 minutes, but it pretty much felt like twelve hours. There were two attendants, they could have been brothers and through my vague recollection, reminded me of Wilford Brimley. Now a word from Wilford:

Disclaimer: I do not have the Beetis. Just a hurt back.

Ok so I am still writhing in pain on my couch. The Paramedic Brimley twins confer and decide that I could use some pain relief.

She doesn't look like she's feelin' grand. Should we give her some morphine?

Morphine yes, but the laughing gas too.

First, they bring me a tank of nitrous with a mouthpiece that I get to breathe. While they are doing that, they start an IV and give me some milligrams of morphine. This is very different than in the USA:

Hello Rampart, This is 51, we have a female, mid thirties, with acute back pain.

Hey Johnny, Don't forget to tell them she is pretty.

I heard that Roy. Let me get Dr. Brackett - he's just out smoking.

Thanks Dixie. This is Dr Brackett. Give that pretty lady some Morphine.

Then I get loaded into the ambulance and taken to St Vincent's Hospital - not the one in Boise, Idaho where my little sister was born, the one in Dublin where there a are whole lot of sinks but no one seems to wash their hands. (This is my ONE complaint with this hospital - otherwise the staff was friendly, caring and knowledgeable.)

Six or eight hours later, I was discharged with prescriptions to knock me out and my family came to get me. We missed our flight to Venice, and I spent four days on the couch.

The post script of all of this is, we were able to reschedule our trip to Venice for March. This turned out extra good because we have friends that will be on the same flight and staying at the same apartment so that is happy fun time!

Also I just received the bill for the ER visit: €60 - that is about $80. Thank you national health-care system!

full tilt poker idea

2007-02-18T01:09:00.000-08:00

sorry not a longer post - i will have plenty soon and you will discover why im typing with one hand and on valium. to tide you over i found this:

linky dinky doo

+

Guessing Game

2007-02-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

My son is nine years old and does his own homework. Sure I look it over, but other than basic spelling and grievous grammar errors, I try to let him hand in work that is really his. Here is last night's.

Can you guess who my boy is writing about?

It lives in Africa.
It is six metres long.
It is a shiny coat with spots.
They are for neck fighting.
In order to pump blood to its head.
It eats leaves and shoots from trees.
So that it can be immortal against attack.

An immortal, blood pumping neck fighter that eats leaves and shoots from trees?

It can only be a deadly ninja giraffe!

Adventures in Housework

2007-01-12T09:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was another harrowing adventure into housework, though this one had a decidedly Irish bent to it. In Los Angeles, people don't need their central heating systems very often - maybe 30 or 40 days a year or so. Here, you will turn into a bloggercicle if you don't rush from bed to heat switch in the morning and flick on the radiators.

Yes, I just typed radiators. You haven't transported back in time to 1944. Its Ireland. One of the little quirks about radiators (at least the ones I have) is bleeding them. To bleed a radiator you take a little key and twist it in a little hole at the side. air escapes and hot water fills the radiator to warm the room. Simple!

Wrong.

Yesterday I went to bleed the radiator upstairs. Everything was going swell: radiator key, check. air escaping, check. water filling radiator, check. Then the water got to the top. I twisted the key and nothing happened. a little water trickled out and ran down the side of the radiator. I gave the key a little more elbow. Nothing. Water began to flow a little more aggressively out of the hole and it was steaming. I jammed the key in and twisted with all my might. Nothing. Hot water began to SHOOT out of the little hole in the side of the radiator and into the rich brocade curtain tied by the window. I ran for a towel.

So I tried to stuff a piece of the towel into the hole to quell the flow of molten water. No luck. Then I thought "Why don't I try turning off the heat?" and ran down to the master control switch. I jammed the switch to the off position and jammed back upstairs. The towel I had covered the hole with was now soaked and dripping into a growing dark puddle on the carpet. I looked underneath...

it was a still Lilliputian fire hose. The window had steamed up and I was wondering if I should think about summoning the fire brigade (thats really what they call it here!) I noticed that there was a valve at the lower end of the radiator. Aha! I could shut the water off! I dove for the valve. Turn turn turn turn turn turn... NOTHING! I began to weep desperately and swear as many swears as I could think of as my desperate eyes searched for something that might tame the hydro-hell I was entangled in. (I realize my prose in this paragraph has crossed the line of good taste and writing, but at least you got a Swift reference)

My gaze settled on a little white speck on the floor (I wasn't wearing my contacts or glasses) what the heck... It was the screw that plugged the valve! I grabbed it and wrapped a towel around my hand and shoved it into the gush. It worked.

So I had a big mess to clean up. Somehow I managed it without injury to me, my children, my home or my psyche.

Memory

2007-01-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

The other day I was reading all my news blogs when all of a sudden I came upon this story about a woman who doesn't forget things. You can read it here.

Stories like this always catch my attention because of how often anomalies like this occur with autism (if you are a new reader welcome! I have a son with autism, I play poker and hate housework!). Many people with autism also struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, bi-polar disorder and anxiety. As you may have read, there are some amazing autistic savants who can tell you what day of the week July 3, 2035 will fall on (without Google) or tell you what the Times headline was for any day for the last 100 years. Savants make up a tiny minority of the autistic population, and are usually very debilitated by their condition.

So this lady knows that Elvis died on August 16, 1977. But she also knows that the next day the stock market dipped 10 points. She can rattle off trivia that you didn't even know was trivial! The difference in this woman is that, besides a mild case of OCD, she is a well ajusted member of society. She is married with kids and has a steady job. She can drive and cook and do all the things any other mom does - except forget.

So

I told fhwrdh about this lady and we had an "isn't that amazing" moment, when I suddenly realized something about the article that stuck in my head. The neurologist who was stumped by her condition explained that she was "wired differently". I wondered aloud to my husband if the doctor really thought that the brain was that much like a computer. He replied that yes the brain is a lot like a computer with storage and data retrieval and electricity. So I got to wondering: do memories take up space? Do they have mass and weight and a size?

I put forth the theory that memories don't take up space - that maybe they are chemical mixtures and each subtle change changes what you remember. Fh countered that the formula would take up space. You guys are smart, what do you think?

New Years Resolutions

2007-01-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

2007! wooooooooooooo! I'm surprised none of you have christened it the Year of the Hammer (with a snowman taking a nap in the center) yet. But, with so vary many of you shutting down shop and heading over to the PokerWorks blorgy (blog + orgy = blorgy), I can understand why you may not have time to start new poker hand memes.

Today I was reading through my RSS feeds when I came across a post that has been a blogging/op ed staple since Roman times: New Years Diet tips. You know what they usually say: Drink 22 glasses of water every day, don't forget breakfast, carbs are baaaaad. This list particularly caught my eye because I hated almost every tip. Here it is, with my notes in bold:

1. Leave behind three or four bites of your meal. Research shows that people usually eat everything they're served, even if they're not hungry. This is the one tip I agree with.

2. Skin your chicken after cooking it. You'll retain moisture yet still strip away 148 calories and 13 grams of fat. Wha? Remove the BEST PART? Next you'll be telling me to discard my Oreo centers or scrape the chocolate off my Snickers.

3. Eat your sandwiches and burgers open-faced, with one slice of bread instead of two. And how, pray tell, am I supposed to HOLD my sandwiches and burgers? When the Earl of Sandwich invented the bread-around-filling thing, he did it so he could eat with one hand while riding a horse. You want me to get off my horse in the middle of a fox hunt to eat my open-face diet sandwich and possible get mayo on my Ralph Lauren Red Hunting Coat and White Pants that make my ass look awesome? I think not!

4. Trade in your chocolate bar (235 calories) for a glass of light chocolate soy milk (120 calories). Silk chocolate soy milk is yummy and its great for a post workout drink! Soy milk is for... for... damn, soy milk is so nasty I don't even KNOW who its for. And while we are discussing trading a chocolate bar for some soy milk, lets make some other great trades: how about a date with George Clooney for a date with Pauly Shore! Perhaps Ferrari for a Kia! weeeeeeeee!

5. Use butter-flavored nonstick spray, not a tablespoon of margarine or butter, to make grilled-cheese sandwiches and eggs. I personally assembled a round table of chefs and asked them if you should use butter-flavored nonstick spray, and all but one said no. The one that said you should use the butter spray had a soy milk mustache and admitted to working at a vegan raw food restaurant. The other chefs braised him in some truffle butter and served him on a bed of rocket.

6. Order a white-wine spritzer (80 calories) instead of a mixed drink (about 180 calories). Only whores drink white-wine spritzers.

7. Hold the cheese, please. A single 1-ounce slice of cheddar has 113 calories. On salad and pasta, sprinkle on one tablespoon of grated part-skim mozzarella (36 calories). Seriously? Why would you do that and add NO FLAVOR when you could add a tablespoon of Parmesan for 27 calories or Romano for 19 calories? Whoever wrote this needs to go back to eating school. Counting school too.

8. Ditch the maple syrup and top your pancakes and waffles with a dusting of confectioner's sugar and cinnamon or a tablespoon of low-sugar jam. Skip the butter entirely and cut even more calories. SCREW YOU DUDE AND GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY SYRUP.

9. Top salads with a half cup of crunchy celery instead of a quarter cup of croutons. Same crunch effect but without the carbs! Carbs are good. They feed your brain so you can do things like think. When you think, you can come to conclusions. Conclusions like: Celery is a yucky replacement for croutons. You know what is a good replacement for croutons? Croutons! They have grain and fiber! Fiber makes you poop! Pooping keeps you healthy and happy. Eat your damn croutons.

10. Make substitutions at brunch: poached eggs instead of fried, lean Canadian bacon rather than regular bacon, or fruit salad in place of home fries. Better yet, eat brunch only once in a while. Make it a treat and eat what you want.

If you really want to eat factually (like me!), you need to eat good food and enjoy it. Adjust your attitude and have happy days - as many as possible. Don't make crazy New Years Resolutions that are just setting you up for failure. Be like Agent Cooper and give yourself a little present every day - a cup of good coffee (not frappiccino!), a slice of good pie (not fruit pie the magician!), a piece of chocolate (but not before 4PM or after 8PM - the choco-window!).

Happy Hammer ∞ Year!

A Happy Christmas and Very Merry Hannukah to You

2006-12-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

Hello my marshmellow friends!

I hope that you are having a wonderful holiday season! Here are some tips to make things better all around:

1. At the Annual Family Poker Tourney, let your mom win a hand without berating her for limping with AK in the cutoff.

2. Compliment your mom for the lovely holiday meal - tell her the yams were your very favorite and ask her what her secret was.

3. Don't let her see the yams as you sneak them from your plate to your napkin to your purse.

4. Replace your gleeful screams of "SHIP IT!" every time you win a hand at the AFPT , maybe replacing the exclamation with "HO HO HO BITCHES!"

5. Got hard-to-please surly teens on your list? Everybody loves iTunes!

6. Go pick up a clever Trophy for the winner of the AFPT instead of making everyone buy in for $100 - everyone will be more relaxed when they aren't playing for their Holiday Savings. Then you can clean up on side bets!

7. Your mom wants a Spa Gift Certificate.

8. Lookout... your 19 year old nephew read a couple of poker books this year. He is trapping your TPTK with a set.

9. Don't drink too much! Especially since your 19 year old nephew is 420 with the scrumph.

10. Stop overthinking it all. Find one thing to love about as many members of your family as you can and write them down. One day you will look back and be glad you had good thoughts about your family. Or you will have something to rip up and burn in a cleansing bonfire ceremony.

I leave you with this exchange between fh and myself:

[14:03] husband: happy christmas
[14:03] husband: :)
[14:03] factgirl: why thank you Happy Kwanza to you
[14:03] husband: internet purchase complete!
[14:03] factgirl: you just got me something?
[14:03] factgirl: :D
[14:03] husband: hope it gets posted in time
[14:04] husband: if not, you'll just have to trust me
[14:04] factgirl: not a problem - I wont be able to drive it until after the new year anyway
[14:04] husband: how'd you know i got you a broom?

New Little Blogging Bird

2006-12-14T09:20:00.000-08:00

So hellcat has a blog - she writes it, I help her edit and spellcheck - but otherwise its all her.

http://thegreenbirdy.blogspot.com/

Check it out - though it is even lighter than mine on the poker content.

Things to learn from the Irish:

2006-12-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

Feeling myspacey? visit my new myspace thingy.

***

Things to Learn from the Irish

Charity: I used to think of charity as making cash donations or buying candy from the kids to benefit sports teams. Here, charity is a way of life - nearly all the Christmas cards people send benefit a worthy cause. Every week I get more than one visit from someone collecting for the sick, the disabled, or people living in poverty. There are stickers delivered to put on bags of clothes that are sent to impoverished nations. The local church supports an orphanage in Africa. People here think of helping others every single day. The only other person I have ever met who does this much good every day is Miss Cheri!

Environmental Awareness: They go out of their way to recycle - driving (or, just as often, walking) their glass bottles to the local collection point, turning off not just the on/off switches, but the pilot lights of appliances, and warming themselves with sweaters (jumpers) and using the heating systems only when necessary.

Conversation: Though I think this one may be disappearing a bit with the influx of immigrants, the Irish are nearly always ready to stop what they are doing and have a good chat. There is a easy way about the people here, they are genuinely pleased to meet you.

Nurturing Children: My observation the other day after seeing the kids schools was that the Irish schools seem to challenge the kids academically, but nurture them socially. For instance, my daughter's class is learning "joined up letters" (handwriting), but each morning there is play dough set out for them. In California, the play dough was out in kindergarten, but they wont be starting handwriting until third grade.

Calling Boys Lads: My son played soccer with the lads this morning at school. Hy husband went drinking with the lads last weekend. (they each have their own set of lads.)

Try some of these and see how grand it is to do Irish stuff.

How Not to Write

2006-11-08T04:35:00.000-08:00

OK so I know I was all stoked about writing a book in a month. I did a good job on the first day and was all "man, I bet I could write about TWO novels in 30 days!".

But then Jelly got into school. There were uniforms and track suits and books to buy. One more lunch to pack in the morning. One more kid to rouse out of bed at 7am GMT and nag until 8:20am GMT.

And Helly got headlice. Fancy Irish ones that were equipped with tin whistles and danced jigs as they gave you the finger and dare you to come at them with a louse comb. Luckily, there is not FDA or EPA here and you can put Malathion* on your kids head for twelve hours and napalm the little bastards just like Apocalypse Now. That will teach little parasitic insects not to live on my baby (or give me the finger).

Then I went to the Knitting and Embroidery Fair and picked up some sweet projects to cross stitch.

So lets just face it. I am an essayist. I have the attention span to write passionately for about 2 hours. Then I lose interest and move on to something else. Perhaps one day I'll have a collected essays published. Then I shall sit at a desk and you can line up and I'll sign a book for you. Rawk

(*I didn't buy the 12 hour Malathion treatment, though that is the one the pharmacist recommended. I ended up doing a 10 minute poison conditioning treatment and hand combing the bugs out. One word: shudder.)

Factys Faves:

Election Commentary: Utter Wonder - The best explanation about what happened Tuesday on the internet.

New Stuffed Toy: a sampler of things - Shaky Bacon is Mister Toasts friend.

Internet Resource: stuff from home - mmmmmmmmmmmmm Jif creamy

Mornings are Different

2006-10-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

From the time I wake in the morning to my dreams when I sleep, I am reminded that I am on the other side of the world. I throw off my duvet at 7am, no top sheet. That was how the bed was made when we moved in, and though I've done laundry since then, I never made it to the mall to pick up a proper set of 400 count beauties. So I sit up and right away brrrrr! I needs my slippers! and my wool sweater. and my scarf. and some coffee.

Then, I traipse downstairs to make so coffee. Yes traipse. That's how I roll. No, I don't roll downstairs, I traipse. ANYWAY - - we finally got a coffee maker so I don't have to go outside to rinse the coffee grounds out of the press with a garden hose. But, there is no CoffeeMate here. Well there is powder - fhwrdh found it at Spar (that's like 7/11 but Euro) but powder is not the pure liquid hazelnut-flavor hydrogenated fat I require.

Then, its time to take a shower. To take a shower, first, I have to pull a string coming out of the ceiling to turn on the electricity to the water heater. This electric water heater is, alarmingly, right in the shower! But the water is hot, and the pressure is good, and the shampoo is Pantene so who am I to point out how water tends to conduct electricity (even the Irish 220v - no ESPECIALLY the Irish 220v)?

Then, its breakfast time! MMMM Museli! I used to eat nothing for breakfast, but now I enjoy a blend or sunflower seeds, oats, wheat husks and dried fruit topped with 1% organic milk. "Facty!" you might be exclaiming, "what commune have you joined and can I get some of your hippy herb?"
"Well, first of all", I answer "I don't have any hippy herb because I am NOT A HIPPY. I am NEW WAVE. Second of all, You should try some Museli because its plumb good". I am sick of answering to you reader's imaginary questions so I am ending this paragraph right......now.

After breakfast its time to take my children to school. Oops! one of my children isn't in school yet. Don't worry though we found Jelly a school and he will be starting as soon as they can hire an aide for him. So I take little Helly to school in her cutie cute uniform. School uniforms rock. You always know where you stand laundry wise and there are no fights due to belly buttons showing or questionable neck and hemlines.

The schools here also rock. School starts at 8:30 with a daily assembly where they sing, pray and hear announcements from the principal. Then the kids go to their classrooms for learning - no crazy spiral curriculums or partial sums. They actually have to memorize their tables. There is a morning snack break and an afternoon lunch break. Class size is about 30 for all grades but there are two teachers per classroom so every child gets individual attention every day. My daughter is thriving.

So that is my typical morning in Dublin. More to come but I don't want to overwhelm you with my culture shock. Also I want to tell you about my project: National Novel Writing Month. I have no idea what I'm going to write - I'm just going to sit down and write 50,000 words and hope they all make sense together. Probably it will turn out to be kindling, but at least I can say I wrote a broom. I mean at least I can say I wrote a bag. Damn I cant say it yet.

Four Things I Have Learned in Ireland

2006-09-30T06:24:00.000-07:00

1. Every second in the city of Dublin, some bastard is stepping in poop. Thats right, its one of Dublin's little secret suprises: There is dog poop everywhere. You will step in some. If you are my mom, you will throw your shoes away.

2. Bees can fly in the rain. Bees don't seem to care if its raining or not, they are gonna get drunk on flower nectar. You go, bees.

3. Chips are fries, fries are fries, crisps are chips, biscuits are cookies, and cookies are cookies. There will be corn in your tuna and butter beneath your mayonaise. The peas are still heaven.

4. The cost for an Ireland TV license is 155 euro. You can get yours at the post office.

Finally! Hello from Ireland!

2006-08-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

Hi! Its me, Facty posting from the Emerald Isle. It has been a long month getting here and getting settled in - to recap:

The first week of August, an amazing crew of workers came into my house and packed up all my stuff. They separated it into three piles: Plane (stuff to take with us on the plane, which included our clothing and thats about it), Boat (stuff that was going to go into a huge cargo container and take the 6 week journey from LA to Dublin by sea. It included stuff like pillows and cooking pots - only 29 boxes!) and the final pile Storage (Holy crap it was an amazing amount of stuff! Will we even want it when we get home?)

We stayed in a hotel for about a week until our flight left - It was weird feeling like I was ready to go home before the journey even started.

Finally it was time to take the flight to Ireland. I had taken as many precautions as possible - I had called ahead to have us escorted though security just in case Cal started talking about bombs or something. I had a purse full of pop tarts and sudoku puzzles, 2 fully charged Nintendo DSs and was actually looking forward to 10 hours with nothing that had to get done. Everyone was great and the flight was lovely. The Aer Lingus crew were super nice and very understanding of Calvin not wanting to try anything but crackers. He even got to peek into the cockpit after we landed!

Next was getting to the hotel with 10 pieces of luggage. We took an airport shuttle and made it but poor Franklin had to carry all the bags from the shuttle stop to the hotel (did I mention I had hurt my back and couldn't lift ?) We made it to the hotel and had just begun settling in for a rest when the phone rang. It was our housing coordinator and he had a property for us to see ASAP. Evidently he thought it would be the perfect place for our family, it was well priced and would be snapped up if we didn't move fast. So we gathered up our exhausted babies, jumped in the housing guy's car, and set off to see the property.

Of course it was perfect. Furnished, 4 bedrooms, washer (in the kitchen) dryer (in the garage) huge garden for the kids (full of fairies) and cable ready. We decided to take it on the spot. Little did we know it would take a whole week before we would be able to move in. A whole week in a teeny tiny room with four people and 10 big bags. We were all going a little crazy by the end and were glad when the lease signing day finally came.

Guess how hard it is to get money out of your bank account when you are out of the country? If you bank with Washington Mutual it is nearly impossible! We tried everything to get dollars from the US to Ireland from Western Union to Moneygram to American Express. We needed about seven thousand dollars for the security deposit, rent and fees and you'd think we were trying to smuggle rocket launchers full of cocaine out of Thousand Oaks. Finally we had to just go the ATM and pull out as much cash as we could 300 euro at a time. We gave the landlady all the cash we could come up with (about 1600 euro) and promised to secure an International Wire transfer as soon as we possibly could. Our lucky break finally came when The bank opened Monday and I called and found one of the bankers who knew me from poker. He helped us get together our wire transfer (did you know you are supposed to do those in person? ugh) Anyway the cash was delivered and we are home.

The next step in the settling in was to get our utilities switched on. Now luckily we had water, gas, and electricity, but phone, cable and internet have been more of a challenge. I ordered the phone service no problem, but when we got to the end of the call the nice Irish agent said "a workman should be there in about 28 days." *gasp* "Then, another 5 days after phone service starts, we can test the line for DSL" aaaaaaaaaa! No Internet for a MONTH??? How would I live?

Well at least my computer arrived so I could set it up with my itunes and games and stuff right? I unpacked it excitedly and got ready to plug it in. I had already made sure it could handle the power change and had an adapter ready. I plugged, and....nothing. Hmm maybe I needed to get a new power cord from Sony - luckily there is a Sony store just a short bus ride away. So I dragged the kids, got them some McDonalds, and bought a couple of power cords. When I get them home I plugged in my computer with confidence....and.... POP! Smoke started pouring out of the machine - I lunged for the cord and pulled it out of the wall. I picked up the computer and ran to the kitchen where it smoked for about another two minutes before fizzling out. Then, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I called Franklin and cried to him. He was great about it - he didn't even mention that I had forgotten to flip the little step down power switch on the back of the box.

So how am I writing this? I am on a borrowed laptop while my new Dell is being delivered. I ordered this crazy wireless internet that seems to go out whenever the clouds roll in. And I finally have a minute between getting shool uniforms, books, and lunch makings ready for the first day of school Friday.

Stay tuned for next post, "Coys?" Till then - Slan go fóill (goodbye for now!)

Meeee TOOOOOOO!

2006-07-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

I’m registered in the BloggerPods poker tournament by pokeronamac.com

One of usss One of usssss....

I'm Back From Vegas Bitches!

2006-07-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

There has been so much going on in life since I last updated you - where to start? I think first the big news: our family is moving to Ireland. We have spent the past month preparing our house to be rented and getting our ducks in a row to leave at the beginning of August or thereabouts. I hope to write a little bit every day about the entire experience of moving a family of poker players (ok, Calvin more a video gamer) to a new country.

But today we aren't talking about that. Today it is time for a Las Vegas Poker Recap! I'll keep it in little bite size pieces so you can read it in the bathroom.

Day One

It was July 7 - fhwrdh and my 12th wedding anniversary... little did we know, one Degree All In Moment may have made it our last. (dun dUN DUNNNNNN)

Our goal was to kiss the kids, fly to Vegas, drop the bags and head to the Rio to register me for the WSOP Ladies event on July 9 (thats my birthday y'all!) and that is what we did. I am not even going to review the Excalibur Hotel room we stayed at - suffice to say that there is no fluffy bathrobe and the sheets had poop on them. Yes poop.

Down at the Rio we swept through the WSOP Tourney area. I followed fh through the room as he pointed out pros. I wasn't wearing my glasses plus I don't care about poker pros very much so I just nodded my head and enjoyed the crowded blur.

We made our way to the cage and purchased my seat at the Ladies event it was pretty cool handing over 1k in an envelope and getting this:

Squeel!

After a refreshing nap, we went over to meet the other bloggers at the MGM Grand Poker Room. Bloggers everywhere! At the HORSE table were Absinthe, Colombo and the Mrs., Eva Can Hang, Falstaff, my husband, Felicia, and... dang I cant remember who else! (email me please and I'll add you). I am frightened of stud and razz (ok and Omaha too - gimme a break I have two little kids) so I decided to play some 2-4 limit where I am the queen of the table!

Name on the list, check. Time to buy some chips! The elderly woman at the cage calls me honey and I open my wallet and take out a hunny.

FG (that's me, bitches!) "100 chips please!"

Elderly Lady "100 whites?"

FG "are whites one dollar?"

EL "Yes. What game are you buy into?"

FG "the 2-4"

EL "you are going to need more than that! You need at LEAST 200 for that game!"

FG "OK you are the expert! Ill take 200 whites!"

I'm starting to think that maybe she thought I was buying in to the no limit but no worries, I got me two racks of pretty white chips and I am ready to use them! But its not my turn to sit down yet, so I head to the bar where there is Joe Speaker, Iggy, Al, and many more hanging out. Jkat bought me a drink and soon my name was called for my table. I carefully carried my wineglass and my 2 racks of white beauties to the table.

"Hi everyone!" I exclaimed as I tried to fit my wineglass into the drink holder cup on the table (tip: regular wine glasses don't fit). I began unloading chips, nodding at Helixx down at the other end when suddenly the table began laughing. I pretty much ignored it with the firm knowledge that my fly was up and there were nothing hangin out of my nose and began to play my poker.

Fun poker commenced and I won a few pots and started making friends with the fella on the other side of me - one lady from Simi Valley was so nice we chatted and bonded over our suburban life.

"So were you wondering why everyone was laughing when you sat down?"

"I was!"

"When the last guy got up and left, the dealer said he wanted the next person in that seat to be a pretty drunk girl with a lot of money."

Thats it for day one - more tomorrow bitches!

You dont say it how you think you say it.

2006-06-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

Today came lessons 2, 3 and 4 of Irish culture 101 and here they are for you:

1. (just in case you missed yesterday's post) The Irish are quiet. fhwrdh observed that it is as if the entire country is playing golf and speaking in low voices waiting for someone to make a putt.

2. The peas are different here. Peas in the USA are tiny sweet little bright green babies that pop a little when you bite into them. Irish peas are bigger and less sweet with no pop and a slight mealy-creamy consistency. Closer to garbanzos. I am in love!

Dear Irish Peas,
Lets run off and get married!
Love,
Facty

3. It is not pronounced how you think its pronounced. Tanney is really Taynee. Dun Laoghaire is Dun Leery. Ranelagh is Ranahla. Better just point to the map until you are sure you are saying it right. Also Gaelic lessons seem like they would be helpful.

4. For as quiet as the people here are, they love to talk; and as much as they love to talk, they love to listen. Everyone we've encountered seems to enjoy conversation and will stop their day for a bit of talk. They are excellent conversaionalists, making warm eye contact and listening with interest. I am charmed.

Tonight we are heading out to Temple Bar (its named after a guy named Temple, and its not a bar, its a street with shopping and galleries.)

In other news, the PTA had their installation luncheon yesterday and they all found out who their secret pals are - that is everyone did except me! Give it up PTA Ladies - who is it?

You owe me an Ice Cream!

2006-06-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

On the way to the hotel from the airport the shuttle driver leaned his head out the window. 'YOU OWE ME AN ICE CREAM!" he shouted at a passing plumbers truck. I can see why he wanted to call that marker in - Dublin is in the middle of a pre-summer heat wave that the locals are greatly enjoying. I, however, am so disappointed that the gray-green Eire that I've seen on the travel channel is just as hot and muggy as Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm blogging from Ireland this week. I haven't been able to write much lately, over the past month we have had landscapers trapesing through the house, renovated the kitchen and I am trying to shepherd my children through the final weeks of First and Third Grades. We landed at 11AM which my body is screaming is really 3AM. Im jetlagged and further from my children than I've ever been before, but so excited and happy to see Europe for the first time.

Before you jump to the conclusion that I have run off with the newly available and ever sexy Joe Speaker, rest assured that I am here with the long committed (to me) and ever sexy (to me) fhwrdh. Speaker is way down south , I assume hopelssly entangled in cards, whiskey, and lasses. Pure cooincidence is what happened to bring no less than three Los Angeles bloggers to Ireland at once.

After our plane landed and we checked in to our hotel, fhwrdh and I took a 2 hour nap. When we woke up we decided to take a walk. This is when we discovered one of those personality differences between us that might render another marriage assunder, but keeps ours balanced in a yin/yang kinda way.
"Where are we going?" fhwrh asked.
"Well, that fella over there - he reccomended going right, then going straight."
"Where will that take us?"
"I don't know. Lets go get lost!"

FH was dubious but once we got moving he realized that he knew the layout of the city pretty well. He pointed out the River Liffey, St. Stephens Green, and Grafton Street. I thanked my lucky stars that he had poured over guidebook after guidebook. I have my own personal tour guide.

It is now 9PM. before I head to the bar for a nightcap, a quick first impression of Dublin. It is the quietest city I have ever been to. No horns honking, shouting - even the bustling crowd at Grafton was a low murmer compared to Third Street Promenade. If Ireland is the Nation of Welcomes, Dublin is the City of Whispers.

More tomorrow - maybe even some poker!

2006-05-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

You know you want to....

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

Its a Plug, not a Post

2006-03-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

Hi, its me, Facty!

I cooked today! I went to a thing where you put together pre-prepped stuff into dinners and freeze them until you are hungry enough to eat, but too hungry to drive somewhere and wait for someone else to cook.

Pauly was nice enough to print a story of mine in Truckin'. Give it a look if you like to read my stuff. If you don't like my stuff, head on over anyway and read some stuff by much better writers like Joe Speaker and Change100 and Dr Pauly himself.

Be sure to check Miss April for WPBT Updates - there is a new one - dont be left out in the cold... er... heat!

That's it for now - be good and Ill write some more later, bitches!

Do You REALIZE How Great I Look in a Tiara?

2006-03-06T00:15:00.000-08:00

This meme reached me as I was getting dressed for the Oscars. My daughter was resisting putting on her gown and gloves but I insisted - we were going to miss the opening!. She relented and we made our way downstairs. Suddenly she balked. She ran back upstairs and scrambled back with the purple bathmat from the kid's bathroom.

"We need a red carpet, right?"

Thats my girl! We made fhwrdh pretend to take pictures of us as we ble kisses and reagally walked over to the couch where our soda and cookies and popcorn awaited. I took off my tiara 'cause it was kinda itching me and we enjoyed the pageantry.

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Four Jobs I've Had In My Life in LA:

1. Tour Guide at Universal Studios
2. Page at Paramount Studios
3. Personal Assistant to a Famous TV and Movie Producer
4. Script supervisor on an unreleased feature film

Four Movies About LA I Could Watch Over And Over:

1. Repo Man
2. Short Cuts
3. Adaptation
4. Clueless

Four Places I've Lived All Over L.A. (With Food Memories From Each):

1. Melrose Avenue (Sundried Tomato and Riccotta Ravioli at Cafe Luna )
2. La Cienega (Sag Paneer and Chicken Korma takeout)
3. Glendale (Armenian Mystery Meat from the lady next door)
4. Sherman Oaks (Tuna Melt and big Dill Pickles at Jerry's Deli)

Four LA-Themed Shows I Love(d) To Watch:

1. Entourage
2. CHiPs
3. Emergency!
4. Arrested Development

Four Places I Would Vacation At In LA:

1. Disneyland
2. Magic Castle Hotel
3. Hollywood Roosevelt
4. Georgian Hotel

Four LA-Based Websites I Visit Daily:

1. Defamer
2. LAist
3. Bill Rini
4. Perez Hilton

Four Of My Favorite Foods Found In LA:

1. Steak at the Pacific Dining Car
2. Margaritas at El Cholo
3. Coconut Soup at Chan Dara
4. the Tasting Menu at Ca Del Sol

Four Places In LA I Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. sneaking onto a closed set
2. hiking through the scrub in Malibu State Park
3. catching a show downtown
4. showing the kids a museum (Except maybe MOMA - I'll save that for when they are older)

Tagged:
Fhwrdh
Maggie
The PTA Ladies (who are welcome to borrow my blog
Steve

Adventures in ....

2006-02-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

Poker

Well to start the week off, I was pretty stoked to take 7th int he 16k. I love the final table! Also it was rad like Crocket and Tubbs to win the WWdN tourney at Stars! yay!

Dear Bloggers who I put on tilt,
I hope we can still be friends. I understnd I am a donkey and am sorry you got near my hoofs.
hee haw,
facty

House work

So remember when I got my hair stuck in the vaccuum? Yeah that sucked (har har) and I vowed to get a maid after that. But I didn't ever get around to it.

Yesterday was laundry day and I was doing the laundery and it was all going great until all of a sudden I went to change the loads and the laundry room smelled minty! "ahhh" I thought to myself, "My laundry room smells so fresh I feel as if I am swimming in a mountain stream!"

Thats when I opened the door and started taking the clothes out and noticed the black goo that coated the entire outside of the dryer barrel. then the sticky little balls in the bottom of the whole mess. gum. GUM. GODAMMIT.

What do you do in this situation? I grabbed my trusty windex and paper towels and started scrubbing. no luck. Then I fetched my Mr Clean Magic eraser that has gotten me out of so very many jams in the past... nope. DAMMIT. Then I remembered - the answer to all problems lies on the internet. I Googled "Gum Dryer" and lo there it was - the solution to all my worries:

"wet a couple of dryer softener sheets and gently rub the gum away. For more stubborn pieces, let the wet sheet lie on the gum and soften it up before removing it."

Worked like a charm. Thank you internet moms!

Still, I am getting a maid.

PTA

That lady is still totally mad at me about the skirt. Whatever. But it is so weird to have someone who wont say one word to you or make any eye contact but is still hanging out around you. Today I told a story from my past and she rolled her eyes.

Note: You are not as subtle as you think you are. Maybe take a subtlety class in college or something if you want to do the eye rolling. Its not working for you at all.

The rest of the PTA is going awesome. We have the best ladies ever! I am very lucky to be following up one of the most dynamic can-do ladies int he world as president - it will make next year all the easier.

Kids

still cute and full of trouble.

Husband

Wha? I have a husband? Ok ok just kidding - we actually got to have a nice breakfast together the other day after he worked a 48 hour shift. No, thats not a typo.

Dear Full Tilt,
I want my husband back soon please. I understand you like him, but I like him too.
Factually, Facty
PS Thank you for inventing the 16k guarantee tourney -fg

Does My Fat Ass Make Me Look Fat?

2006-02-09T16:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I get busy I forget to blog. So quit yer bellyaching here's a post:

----

Busy is a dumb word. Bizzy = Busy? Whoever invented English is lame.
Come to think of it Dumb is a dumb word. Silent e = good idea. Silent b = lame.

----

A PTA lady got super mad at me today over a Girl Scout skirt for her daughter. Best comment of the whole blow up: "Well you have never done anything for me have you, Kate".

Tip: Don't ever say that, unless a) Kate has never done anything for you and b) You want to look super selfish and bitchy.

I hear Selfish and Bitchy is the new look for Spring though...

----

February is seeming to suck for so many of my friends. Thank the FSM it is a short month. Let's rock March like its 1999.

----

That's all you get for now my peeps. Haven't been pokering lately cause of my cute kids and stuff. Back soon! mwa!

Congrats to Absynthe

2006-01-21T02:18:00.000-08:00

Bravo, Ryan, Bravo.

Well deserved.

factually,
facty

Hardcore Hentai Tentacle Marshmallow Peep Sex

2006-01-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

Just the title alone is going to get me more hits on this page than ever. A note to my new visitors who found me with a tentacle sex search: Move along perv. Nothin to see here. A note to the PTA Ladies: DO NOT GOOGLE HENTAI TENTACLE PORN.

Oh yeah...

I almost forgot THIS:

CAN YOU SEE THAT??? NO???

how about THIS:

I did it! I won the 16 guarantee on Full Tilt! that is a payday of $4,037.76.

O
M
G
!

I couldn't have done it without the Luckbox (who transfered some luck to me, thank you), Shane (EYE OF THE TIGER), Penner, Poker Princess, Texas April, the whole crew at Full Tilt Poker, and my handsome husband fhwrdh.

Y'all rock and that is a FACT.

Coffee is the Most Important Meal of the Day

2006-01-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and our house had no coffee. So I went to the market, got the coffee and decided to get the family a little treat. I got fhwrdh a fritter and the kids some doughnuts. I went to the checkout.

Checker: How many doughuts do you have here?
Facty: Eight.
Checker: Do you want me to charge you for twelve?
Facty: I only have eight...
Checker: But you could go back and get some more.
Facty: I just need eight.
Checker: hoooo kaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy

I thought it was so surreal to have a checker try to up-sell me on pastery until I realized that a dozen doughnuts is cheaper than eight. No mensa tests before coffee please.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Shane Nickerson, I can't wait to see a pretty pic on your blog. Bunny ears are acceptable.

BETTER Than Marshmallow Peep Sex

2006-01-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

Full Tilt Poker 16k Guarantee Tournament...
6th place...
$760...

sooo tired....

more tomorrow...

factually,
facty

Marshmallow Peep Sex

2006-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

If you are looking for lewd pics of Marshmallow Peeps I'm sorry to disappoint, but I took a poll and 10 out of 10 pervy bloggers agreed that more people would read my post if I titled it Marshmallow Peep Sex.

What I really want to talk about is what Poker Princess has dubbed The F Factor. Its like M or Q but is named after me and wont help you win a tourney.

The F factor has two parts: the Big Tourney Fund and the $10 Reward.

First, you need to commit to playing in a Big Tourney (I will be playing in the controversial Ladies Event at the WSOP 7/9/2006). Every day the first dollar of your winnings goes into your Big Tourney Fund. In a year you will have 1/3 of a buy in!

Second is the $10 Reward. On Full Tilt are these awesome $6+.60 games where the top 4 get a $26 token. These games are as soft as Marshmallow Peep Sex. Anyhoo, the goal is to get tokens but keep building your bankroll. So the rule is: Grind out $10. once you get to 10, you give yourself the reward of a token tourney.

Adjust all this to your limits and you have suddenly become a disciplined bankroll manager. Thank me later!

PS I don't know if you have noticed but I never post poker advice here. I'm not that good at poker. You know who is really good at poker? Harrington. But I was talking about my F Factor system and some other nice bloggers said I should post it. If it really does help you in any way let me know. And Please do not have sex with peeps. The Smoking Gun always gets those crazy ER stories.

WOOO!

2005-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon some of the bloggers were feeling like doing a little $10+1 MTT on Stars. Its a little above my bankroll but I joined in just for fun (and more tournament experience).

And guess what bitches?

I had my very best MTT tournament finish EVER! My previous best was a 4th place in a $1+.50 that only made me 45 bucks. This time I finished 3rd and made...

get ready....

$674!!! That's right!

what's more is that I had more fun doing it than you would believe, Thanks to the finest flock of railbirds in the bloggyverse. There was Heather and April and Shelly and Alan and Scott and Xennor! Some people who were there but went to bed (we didn't finish til 1am Pacific) Were Mourn (remind me where your blog is and I'll link ya up!) and Texas April. Also you should know I was trying to channel Joe Speaker by being patient, nice and ruthless.

After I won I woke up fhwrdh to tell him the good news - I think he is finally getting over the fight or flight reflex of me waking him up about poker. :)

Thank you all so much for hanging with me and your great final table advice. You guys are teh RAWK~

I idi it!

2005-12-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

The above title of this post is what I typo'd in the chat of the .50/1 blogger ring game after getting back to my buyin before tooloftheman did. Hi Marty!

That game was super fun. There was April and Maigrey and Shelly and Pauly and He1lixx and Penner and Drizz and Marty and some very surprised regular players. good times.

------------

Nothing starts your New Years Resolution Diet better than a nasty stomach flu. That's what I had and my kids too but fhwrdh never got it. That is because he is the devil.

------------

I am still working on the final installment of my Las vegas trip report. I want it to be perfect for you so hang tight people.

Funniest thing on SNL Since More Cowbell

2005-12-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Its The Chronic WHAT? cles of Narnia!

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas Part 3

2005-12-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

Recap: We found Bill Rini without the help of CSI, Gay cowboys ran amok, and Turns out J6 isn't such a bad hand against KQ.

Chapter Six: The MGM Grand: a fun place to meet friends, get drunk, play poker and extort money from all your new aquaintences.

I was lucky enough to be on a mission that put me in the path of 4/5 of the attending bloggers: collecting for BR's suprise. I was so happy to meet every single one of you and you were all so generous! Before we left for Vegas, the blogger pledges covered $280 of the $300 Gift Certificate. I knew there would be people who wanted to contribute but hadn't replied to the
email so I bought $60 worth of iTunes and Barnes and Noble Gift Certificates for BR to keep or
hand out to his helpers as he wished. Once all the cash was counted it came to $352. Nice work
Bloggers! Only one blogger who pledged didn't follow through (for $2 - no big deal!). That is
amazing! Thanks to each and every one of you.

fhwrdh and I separated almost immediately - he getting his name on the table list and me heading off with that other Poker Widow, Mrs. HDouble. We scrambled to the bar and ordered lemon drop martinis pretended we were in Sex and the City (the drinking fabulous drinks part, not the screwing every guy who gave us a wink part).

We drank our drinks and smoked a clandestine cig as man after man tried to put the moves on us, but we would have none of it.

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"
"Sorry, we are busy tonight."
"Excuse me, can I borrow your lighter?"
"Heh, nice try buddy."
"Can I clear these empties away for you ladies?"
*splash* "Get away from us hot ladies you pervert!"

Finally, it was time to play poker. I put my name on the list and went to bother as many other
bloggers as I could until my table was ready for me.

Suddenly, my table was ready. I bought some chips and went to go teach some 2/4 players who the queen bee is. (its me)

I sat down and there was friendliness beaming across the table from a nicely groomed player with many many many chips. "Hi!" He chirped "I'm Mean Gene." People, thank goodness I wasn't drinking a glass of milk because it would have shot out my nose at velocities unseen since Mr Remmington invented the repeating Milk Cannon just before WW1. Sorry to wreck your table image Meanie but you are about as nice a gentleman as I've ever met.

So we commence to playing poker and I enjoyed chatting with Gene, the guest of a blogger next to me, the nice dealers and the other players. Soon, I was down about 20 bucks. I took stock and
realized that the way I was playing was not right and something needed to change. I looked around the table and took a quick inventory. blogger, blogger guest, tight weak, Mean Gene, tight aggressive playing only top 10 hands, loose passive, loose passive, calling station, tight weak, and one other guy. hmmm... I know! I'll go keeerazy!

So I start daring people to live straddle. After explaining the live straddle, I finally got someone to try it. I peeked at my hole cards - 72o and you know what that means bitches...RERAISE. The flop is 72Q. and I bet it to the river and flip em over yelling HAMMERRRR! To the joy of only two other people at the table. (that would be Mean Gene and the other blogger guest guy). From then on the table paid and paid and paid. I ended up +60 bucks!

Plus I made a new pal in Gene. He is DEFINITELY invited to my tea party. Fhwrdh was done with he poker before I was so he got to be witness to the ro sham bo and the drinking drunkeness, Gene and I joined the gang a little later for the standing around portion of the evening. It was great! Then I went back to the IP and to bed.

Next Up: The WPBT Winter Classic

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas First Blood Part 2

2005-12-14T21:47:00.001-08:00

Recap: Mr and Mrs fhwrdh have just checked in to the regal Imperial Palace and headed downstairs to eat and find bloggers.

Chapter Three: The Legend of Bill Rini

We dropped our bags and ran into Ephro who gave us the lowdown on everyone's location. Hank was at the sportsbook, sophia asleep, Speaker at the tourney, Geek asleep, Bill Rini... wellllll...

"What Ephro? What is it?"

"We're not sure where Bill is now. It was ahhh... quite a night."

"WTF!?!?!?!"

"It was quite a night."

All we could get out of him was that Bill played Blackjack at the IP. To this day I'm not sure what the night held for our Bill, but I am hoping it included plenty of the monkey juice and a cute dealertainer! Somehow though, I think it included a firm hand on his shoulder by a bouncertainer and a pass-out onto one of the IP's hopefully Ebola free beds.

For the next 8 hours or so the question was "where's Bill Rini?" and the legend grew and grew. "He skipped town!", "I heard he got hitched to a dealertainer!", "Word is, he struck gold!", "That Bill Rini, I once saw him rope a steer and eat a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich at the same time!". When he finally showed up, I had to stop spreading my wonderful lies.

Chapter Four: Yeeeee HAW! -or- How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Rodeo

Something was fishy in V-town. From the moment we got off the plane there was something.... At first we couldn't put out fingers on it. Then we saw a gentleman with a cowboy hat, western-style button down shirt, big belt buckle and bowed legs come out of the restroom. Then another one followed him out. Thats when I remembered... Brokeback Mountain premiered this week!

I was just about to tell fhwrdh and point out the gay cowboys to him when all of a sudden I saw about 16 more gay cowboys! Turns out the rodeo was in town. Also I'm not really sure if all the cowboys were gay (so save your comments for another blog you dumb cowboys).

PS Cowboys do not like Brokeback Mountain jokes. Thank me for that one later when a cowboy is not kicking your ass.

PPS I haven't stopped worrying at this point in the trip. Still scared.

PPPS I don't love the rodeo. not one bit.

Chapter Five: Imperial Poker at the Imperial Palace

So we mosey on down to the IP Poker Room - wait, I mean we mosey on down, then across the smokey casino, then up, then across to the IP Poker Room. Franklin buys in to the nl game and I buy in to the 3/6 limit - and thats when all the trouble started.

You see, at home, I like to play 2 tables, solve a sudoku, rock a bejeweled, and help the kids with their homework. So playing at a single live table is boring as all get-out. So I enjoy talking. I can talk all day long - did I mention one of my first jobs out of high school was Tour Guide at Universal Studios?

So I'm talking and playing and on the BB (thats Big Blind PTA Ladies) and I peek down at a Jack 5 which is as good a hand as any on the BB with 5 limpers. So I tap and out comes the flop 55x (that means I have trips bitches!) So I check and call the moderate bet as do 3 others. The next card is something that matches one of the suits on the board so I have to be a teensy bit concerned about a flush. I check and raise (that is a super aggressive move PTA ladies) and watch as two limpers fold but still one caller hangs on. I decide to give my cards a peek just to double check and....

AW SNAP! I have J6! I have no hand at all! This SUCKS!!

So the river comes and its a 6. The only chance I have to win is to place a bet so I do and...

the nice Texan fella next to me calls. DAYUM!

I flip over my J6 and the fella flips KQ suited. I had a pair of sixes to his King high. My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I scooped the chips and began stacking them. It was then I noticed that the table had grown very quiet.

"Nice river."

"Thanks!" (crickets...chirp chirp )

"You played your J6 pretty strong there."

"Yep I sure did!" (chirp chirp )

"I folded a straight draw that hit with the 6."

"Wow! Sorry. I hate when that happens!" (chirp)

The next few hands were played in total silence. I tightened up and was called down with KK and AQ that both held up and hit. The cowboys started getting sick of losing and left. All that were left were me, a nice blogger guest, and the desperate Texan so I packed up my chips and took off. Sorry bitches!

Up Next: The MGM: Myth or Real Deal?

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas

2005-12-13T12:14:00.000-08:00

Prologue: In which facty wins a spot, then loses sleep.

Here is my deep dark secret: after I won the seat at the Desert Shootout a few weeks ago, first I was happy, but once the adrenalin wore off, I was scared. I was really worried about making some stupid play and looking like a dork. Or winning and have people say I got lucky and didn't deserve it. Or laughing at the table and having a piece of spit fly out of my mouth and land on someone. Or knocking over someone's beer. That is a lot of stress on a girl!

So I didn't sleep so much before the trip.

Oh yeah also I'm a teensy bit afraid of flying.

Chapter One: Hard Lessons at The Hard Rock (ok, it was at the Aladdin, but I'm alliterating)

We walked in to the Aladdin poker room and fhwrdh started pointing, "GRob, Speaker, Badblood, BG," etc. I thought he may be having a temporal lobe seizure and looked for something to stick in his mouth, but suddenly remembered that those were all blogger names and he was trying to point them out to me. Some of the bloggers called to him and encouraged him to enter the $100 NL tourney that was about to start. He did and I bought in to the 3-6 limit game.

I sat down next to a nice older lady who was sipping a nice ladylike iced tea. The rest of the table was filled with mostly cranky men, one loose Asian guy and two college kids at the end who were narrating every hand. Nice old lady next to me told us about her kids, how great the Aladdin buffet was, and how nice the weather was. She also took everyone's money and became my new poker hero.

Suddenly, I felt something brush my back and turned to see fhwrdh with a bitter pissed look on his face. He was out. It was the fhwrdh: Money in with the best hand, watch the suckout, head to the bar. I stayed in for one more round and cut my losses since everyone was still getting 0\/\/n3d by Grandma.

Chapter Two: The Imperial Palace

One of my many hobbies is playing text adventure games - like Zork. The Imperial Palace won my heart because it was just like one of those games:

You are at the Imperial Palace front driveway. There is a set of doors before you, some taped off with caution tape. You must enter them in the right combination. There is a sign here.

read sign

RAMP IS FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY. NO WHEELCHAIRS ON RAMP.

enter left door
enter right door
enter middle door

You are in the CASINO. It is smokey here. In the distance you can hear the dinging of slot machines and the random shouts of winners and losers. The front desk is to your left. A DEALERTAINER winks at you.

check in

You have checked in to the HOTEL. The elevator takes you to your floor. Your room key reads 11148.

exit elevator

You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
n
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
w
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
w
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
n
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
e
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
s
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.

You get the idea. Luckily I am really good at text adventures. We found our room, dropped our bags, checked the sheets for cleanliness, and scrammed to find friends.

Coming soon: Chapter 3: The Legend of Bill Rini

Happy World AIDS Day!

2005-12-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

Well there was a little bit of happy news this World AIDS Day, people who are diagnosed HIV+ are living longer more normal lives than ever before. I learned that on NPR today in the car. I was all driving and half listening and half wondering when the new Trader Joes is opening in my neighborhood and all of a sudden I heard the NPR lady say a name I knew. It was my friend who is an epidemiologist and has been studying the AIDS epidemic in Los Angeles for the past several years. She sounded really smart and cool. So I turned up the radio.

She was talking about gay Hispanic men and crystal meth use.

"Mommy, what's gay sex?"

Shit.

I quickly turned to JACK FM. 867-530niyine... and cranked it up. "What was that honey?"

Soon the children had forgotten all about gay sex and were rocking out to freeform radio oldies.

Thank you Tommy Tutone.

Black Friday

2005-11-25T17:38:00.000-08:00

Everyone who has a house needs to clean it now and then, and by house I mean place to live. Sure, Donald Trump doesn't have to take his dishes to the kitchen after dinner, but you think Milania doesn't insist he be a sweetie and wipe the seatie? Bitch, please!

Ok so I, as a mother of two children often have to clean my house. One time I tried to get the children to help but they acted like dirty little urchin-extras from the chorus of "Oliver!". No lie. They even did a medley of "Food, Glorious Food" until I begged for mercy.

Anyway...

I was cleaning my house today. First I did the bathrooms and burned all my nosehairs out with bleach fumes (beauty tip: nosehair getting unruly? try bleach fumes! and I'm talking to you, Andy Rooney). Then I played a $1 MTT (That's Multi-Table Tournament for you PTA Ladies) and I finished 65th - thanks AQ (Dear AQ, I am starting to rethink our relationship. I feel I can't trust you to deliver the sweet chips of my opponents as I once thought you could. I will still play you aggressively, but will be mindful that you can be quite a bitch. love, facty)

Where was I? Oh yes...

After the bleach burns and the MTT, I decided to vacuum the upstairs. So I did. I vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed. Then I took the wand and started to vacuum the dust bunnies under the bed. I had to lay down on the floor so I could see what I was vacuuming and something caught my eye. Under the bed just barely out of my reach was some paper... a book? a magazine? hmmm I scooted and reached with the wand as far as I could.... a little closer...a little closer...

SCHROOCHEEEEEE

suddenly my head was yanked brutally back and the vacuum made a sound between a whine and an evil cackle as my hair wrapped around its unforgiving roller. I yelped in pain and had to feel my way around to the side of the possessed machine to find the on/off switch - thank goodness it wasn't up by the handle or I'd be a goner. I flipped the switch and the vacuum of hell moaned and ceased. But my hair was still stuck. I gently worked my hair out of the groaning maw and sat up to survey the damage. Head: still there. Hair: Mostly still there. Vacuum: laughing at me with a huge clump of my red hair in its teeth. The overworked motor had stunk up the room and as I kicked the vacuum I vowed never to let this happen again.

So I'm gettin a maid y'all. All professional poker players should have maids.

Epilogue: The paper under the bed was an old Linux Journal. And that is how Linus Torvalds and my geek husband ruined my hair.

the end

Reprezent

2005-11-21T19:21:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. God. Y'all.

I totally won a spot in the Shootout in the Desert Tournament! I will be reprezenting the ladies (or Dames if you prefer) of the Blogging Community as well as the Poker Widow Community plus also the PTA. I am honored.

When I won the tourney, I was so excited I ran into the bedroom where my poor poor fhwrdh was sleeping after working mas mucho overtime. I wiggled his shoulder to wake him. "I won!" I whisper-squealed.

"Whaaaaaaa?" he groaned. He was suddenly severely awake

"I won! I won the whole thing!" The look of sweet relief on his face reminded me that the last time I had woken him from an overtime nap was to tell him I was pregnant.

---

So for the PTA Ladies here's the rundown: I am going to Las Vegas in December with my husband, fhwrdh. I'm going to play in the WPBT (That's World Poker Blogger's Tournament) Winter Classic with about 100 other bloggers. I plan to bust out early and have a mojito, then I will be playing in a winner-take-all 6 person (5 boys and me) tourney. I plan to bust outa that early too. Then I will hang out with Mrs. Hdouble and have more mojitos. Maybe go to the spa for a massage.

---

The tournament was great. I feel like I played my very best game. My goal was just to have fun because so many good poker people were playing, I really didn't expect to get very far. Then I chatted and had a lot of fun but I was in the zone. Plus I got AA and KK and AK and AQ and they all held up. Yeah, that didn't hurt.

Anyway - sorry to all the people I busted. And thanks to all who stuck around and sweated me. Especially Ephro!

And the most thanks go to Bill Rini for putting the whole thing together. I'm gonna buy you a beer. or a mojito!

Dear fhwrdh

2005-11-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

Dear fhwrdh: An Historical Account

by Ken Burns

PHOTO MONTAGE: family snapshots and memorabilia.

MUSIC: single violin playing "Keep the Homefires Burnin'" (trad.)

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

The software roll-out skirmish of 'ot 5 was in full swing. As engineering battles raged on the front lines, the wives kept the homesteads running and watched for signs that their brave husbands had made it home.

VOICE OVER: Collen Dewhurst

Dear fhwrdh,
I was overjoyed to read the letter you sent - and my heart is gladdened to know that the stockings I knit you fit and matched your uniform.

The children are doing fine. Jellyface has done his best to take on the role of man-of-the-house and has been practicing his farming skills. His ciphering still needs work but I know you will be proud when you come home. Hellcat has been working on her first sampler and darned if her needlework isn't as delicate as Grandma's!

All is returning back to normal after a fire in the barn took one of the she-goats. I have had to cut back on goat cheese hors d'vors but we are all sacrificing in these difficult times.

Well, that is all for now, my love. I must go refill my martini and microwave some hot dogs for the kids.

Your loving wife,
facty

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

fhwrdh was one of the lucky ones who made it home after the fierce battles that raged on the Los Angeles skyline, but only to be tragically devastated when he found his office had been turned into a craft room.

Poker Report: Thanks for the Poker Lesson!

2005-11-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Dealer: factgirl shows a full house, Tens full of Eights
Dealer: tomes275 shows a Royal Flush*
Dealer: tomes275 wins the pot (3,040) with a Royal Flush
Big 'ol Fish: wow, nh
Geo: nothin like a royal
tomey275: ty
Geo: just like real life
D_F: factgirl what were u thinking
factgirl: I had a FULL HOUSE...
Geo: r u serious d_f
D_F: it was easy to see that straight on the board
Geo: twit
Geo: she had a boat
D_F: not sraight flush
Geo: he had a royal
Geo: pay attention
Big 'ol Fish: chances of someone having a royal was very slim

*he played both hole cards (QJ) and rivered the K for the royal.

How will I ever learn to lay down those full houses when there is 3 to the royal flush on the board???

You Gonna Eat That?

2005-11-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

So this Halloween my precious precious children went Trick or Treating.

Now you may have read some of my previous writings on the subject of Trick or Treating, but if you haven't and don't have the inclination to investigate further, let me summarize:

I think Trick or Treat is a poor idea. It is contrary to the messages we send to children all year long - don't talk to strangers, don't take candy from strangers, don't extort candy from people with threats of pranks.

As you might imagine, I have some pretty strict rules when it comes to Trick or Treating, all of which I will list for you now:

1. Stay together - this is always rule #1.
2. Only hit up houses with porchlights lit - This is just common courtesy.
3. Only hit up houses in Aunt Bendix's Cul d' Sac - It's a nice family neighborhood.
4. Let Mommy check every piece before you eat it - Not that I really think that people are going to poison anyone, but the school teaches the children all this Halloween Safety so you gotta put on a big show of checking the Hershey's miniatures for razor blades and rat poison.
5. Mommy gets all the Almond Joy - The kids agree because everyone knows Almond Joy, with its coconuty chocolatey nut, is as poisonous to children as the heels of the bread.

So Needless to say I am about to puke Almond Joy. Seriously. It was an Almond Joy frenzy this year. Sure the kids cried when I ended up taking half their stash, but can I help it if the market had a sale on Almond Joy? Or maybe my sister's cul d' sac is full of procrastinators. Come to think of it my sister is late to everything....

No matter. What counts now is that I have a stomach ache and the kids are mad at me.

Trick or Treat suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

WPBT Shootout

2005-11-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Howdy Y'all

I am playing in a blogger tournament. And I'm blogging it. This should create a crazy poker blog vortex so if you experience any dry mouth or dizziness, sit down and have a drink.

12:15 So far I'm down about 400 bucks. and sweet Maudie is out .

12:17 Hellcat hates my avatar, The Ugly Flower.

12:20 I'm the shortstack. dang!

12:27 Now I'm in 4th! yay!

12:31 Bill Rini rocks

12:36 Bill Rini tried to double up against me. I am way too smart for that! He thought I had an Ace but really I had nothing. I totally folded!

12:41 fhwrdh brought me pizza

12:48 that pizza was really good. it had eggplant. Easycure is making a comeback! He has more chips than me!

12:53 Easycure took some of my chips. that bastard

12:57 I'm out. Easy took the rest of my chips. He should buy me a drink for being such a crappy poker player. or at least give me a cool license plate link.

This concludes the liveblogging coverage for today - tune in next week for round 2 of the WPBT Shootout!

Factgirl Special Edition Double Post:

2005-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hey factual friends, Its me, Facty! I'm here to make sure you have the best Halloween ever with a double post extravaganza. First, I will tell you what to be for halloween. Then I will give you some important halloween safety tips. That is a lot to cover, so lets get cracking.

What You Should be for Halloween

Guys:

Tom Cruise - Wear a leather jacket and jump over the couch when you arrive anywhere. Be short if possible.

Tom Sizemore - Hit on everyone.

Tom Hanks - get some fake oscars and be nice to everyone.

Tom Mix - mix a store bought dead zombie costume with a singing cowboy costume.

John Gulagher - Self depricate. Be awkward. kick ass.

Thats all I can really think of but that'll get you started.

Gals:

Kate Hudson - wear your hair down and a bohemian dress.

Kate Moss - carry a pic of Johnny Depp and a mirror with a line of sand glued to it.

Kate Winslet - oo this one is good cause you can go titanic or Eternal Sunshine!

Katie Holmes - put a fake coldsore on your top and Bottom lip. Carry a Scientology book and pretend you have morning sickness.

Facty the blogger - talk about how awesome you are all the time. ask people if they read your blog. never shut up about poker. wear a tiara for no reason.

Important Halloween Safety Tips

1. Don't eat Tainted Candy:

-candy corn
-Dr Pepper flavor Jelly Bellys
-Idaho Spud Candy Bars

2. Be careful of strangers and cars and whatnot.

Well, that about does it. Have a great Halloween!

Dear Bill Rini

2005-10-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

This one time I was hanging out with my sister and I was all "Hey, you know whats fun? Poker" and she was all "you loser."

And that got me to thinking. What if you could fuse all the fun of poker with another of my favorite pastimes - drinking!

So I got myself right on the internet to send out the word that I had invented the awesomest way to have fun in the world. It was one of the best 40 seconds of my whole life. Turns out the poker bloggers have been drinking and pokering for years.

Well, back to the drawing board I guess.

Love,
Facy

PS Guess what? I am coming to the WPBT Winter Classic
PPS I'm bringing fhwrdh
PPPS I'm leavin the kids with Grandma! (Thanks Mom, you're the nuts!)

Bunco

2005-10-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

While the college kids and husbands are out putting bad beats on the poker world, the ladies are dropping the kids off at school, gathering at whoever's maid most recently visited, mixing mojitos, and playing Bunco.

Bunco in the house y'all.

Here's the thing. Bunco is a dice game. You have 3 dice. The dice get rolled and passed around and the girls talk the girl talk. We all buy in for 10 bucks and, as I see it, that is the price of hangin with your friends, eating potluck fritata and screaming Bunco! at the top of your lungs every once in a while. Did I mention there is a bell?

One thing Bunco is not is a +ev game. you can be the skilledest dice roller in the world and lose at bunco. You can shout BUNCO the loudest of anyone you know and lose at bunco. You can have a $5000 boob job and still lose at bunco (but at least you'll have nice boobs). What I'm getting at is that I must find a way...

somehow...

some way...

to teach these ladies poker.

2005-10-01T00:12:00.000-07:00

I am way more all in than you...

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 1739333

Skating with Celebrities!

2005-09-07T22:56:00.000-07:00

factgirl: Skating with Celebrities
Sis: huh? wha?
factgirl: SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES!
factgirl: remember dancing with the stars?
Sis: ya
factgirl: well guess what...
factgirl: now they are doing skating with celebrities!
Sis: oooh is that what that story about Todd Bridges is about?
factgirl: yes!!!!!!!!!!
Sis: that is koo koo
factgirl: I KNOW
factgirl: delicious
Sis: next it'll be Pooping with the Popular!

A Special Poem (no poker)

2005-09-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

A mosquito can be a little bitey.

A mojito will blur your sighty.

A burrito will make your nighty too tighty.

The End.

This will make HDouble Either Laugh or Cry

2005-08-31T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ok I just want to admit something right up front - just put it out there so there is no confusion: I am a poker neophyte. True story.

I know just enough to play premium hands before the flop. Now I'm working on position issues. I have a LOT of post flop work to do. So one can imagine how eagerly I await the blog wisdom of my superiors every week. I love The Cards Speak, It is everything this blog is not. It's serious, solemn, and knows what the heck its talking about.

So a couple weeks back I'm reading TCS and playing in a $5 sng at Pokerstars. The lesson of the day is...well I cant remember - I think it was Information Asymmetry in Poker. The post started with a Benjamin Disraeli quote and it was so deep it required reading with one's full attention - not while playing said sng, yelling at kids, folding laundry and drinking a martini.

While I was playing I lost a huge hand and was suddenly made into the short stackiest short stack in the world. I kept reading - hoping to learn something about poker before the end of the sng and skimmed a passage about Q7 being the best hand ever against any random mystery hand.

Well guess what I got delt next! You guessed it - Q7! I was so excited because I was against one other player and he had a RANDOM MYSTERY HAND! I went all in of course and the guy quick called (not realizing I had the nuts) and we flipped them over. The guy had KK and I was laughing to myself as the flop came: QQ4. The river and turn could not save the poor soul and I doubled up. I went on to win the entire tournament. Thanks HDouble!

Factgirl Recommends: Things to Eat

2005-08-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

As my name implies, there are many many facts about me. One fact about me is that I have beautiful feet. I totally could have been a foot model. Another fact is that I love to eat every day.

Here are some food products I endorse - listed alphabetically so you can print and save for future reference or your scrapbook.

Barbecued Ribs - Eating ribs makes me weep for the poor dumb vegetarians of the world.

Diet Coke with Lime - Sounds gross huh? It is. But I can't stop drinking it.

Fried Calamari - Squid love to make us happy by jumping into fishing boats and being whisked off to Italian restaurants. From there, they leap into deep fryers, sacrificing their lives for our appetizers. Thanks squid!

Manwich Sloppy Joes - Sweet, savory and meatier than a Carrot Top photo shoot (ew!), there is no better way to get that school cafeteria smell into your kitchen than Manwich.

Peach Snapple Diet Iced Tea - If I blindfolded you and gave you this you wouldn't know it was diet. While you taste this tea I can also steal your wallet and stick a kick me sign on your back. Sucker.

Peanut Sweet and Salty Nut Bars - So yummy... Don't eat the Almond Flavor though. It is so yucky it will make you die.

Now here are some foods you must avoid if you want to be in my secret club:

Dr. Pepper - Invented in Waco, Texas. Waco. W A C O. I don't eat stuff from Waco. Especially stuff that tastes like satan poop like Dr Pepper does.

Dr. Pepper Flavored Jelly Bellys - OK lets say you were sitting at home on your porch and you wanted something that tasted like satan poop. You could go to the old ice box and grab yourself a Dr Pepper. But what if you wanted all that devily poop taste, but you wanted it to LOOK like bunny poop. Well, pervert, its your lucky day because here is your dream snack.

Mr. Pibb - Mr. Pibb rounds out the Manson Family of refreshment. I wish I were some kinda food judge so I could put this sad mix of carbonated corn syrup into soda prison forever.

Stay tuned for more things I recommend.

SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

--begin IM Chat Transcript--

factgirl: SNAKES ON A PLANE
Sis: wha?
factgirl: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES
factgirl: on a
factgirl: PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Sis: I even read the blurb and I don't get it
factgirl: its a real movie they are making with Samuel L Jackson
Sis: nope. nuthin
factgirl: check it out
factgirl: Flying is scary, see?
factgirl: and snakes are totally scary and awesome, see?
factgirly: put them together and what do you got?
Sis: oooooh
factgirly: BEST
factgirl: MOVIE
factgirl: EVER
Sis: hehe
Sis: scary
factgirly: we need more scary stuff movies - like SCORPIONS AT THE DENTIST
Sis: Hypodermic Needles at the Really Big Speech
factgirl: BLACK WIDOWS IN THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE
factgirl: GORILLAS IN THE MIST
factgirl: wait
Sis: scaaary
factgirl: how about CLOWNS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Sis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

--end IM Chat Transcript--

So, How Was Your Weekend, Facty?

2005-08-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

Well, thank you for asking!

This past weekend I was lucky enough to take a Las Vegas trip with my mom and two sisters - no husbands or children. It was pretty great. We stayed in the newly-opened tower at Caesars Palace and it was gorgeous.

I got a chance to steal away and play a little poker over at The Aladdin. Session one was a lot of fun - it was about 8 PM and they were just opening up a 3-6 table. I convinced my novice sister that she would be fine and staked her half a buy-in so she'd come with me. We had a friendly table and I left about 2 hours later up 30 bucks.

The next morning I slipped out back to The Aladdin - again 3-6 where there were about 7 old fellas that had been playing all night. Again I had fun there was one hand where I got check raised on the turn by a geezer and folded reluctantly. "Do you have a pocket pair?" I asked. He flipped over 55. I felt pretty cool and ended that 2 hour session up 58 bucks. (side note: walking back to your hotel room after winning at poker is a great feeling)

I took my mom and sisters over to the Excaliber for the 2PM poker lesson. They really enjoyed it and after the lesson the table turns into a 1-3 spread limit game. I tried to set a tight aggressive example while watching my mom a littlest sis showdown with worst hand after worst hand and rebuy and rebuy and rebuy.... Middle sis got the hang though and made a modest profit and was itching to play again. Who am I to turn her down?

This brings us to our final and dramatic poker session. So dramatic, in fact, that it will be presented in two acts. Enjoy.

Act One: Ace Queen is a Fine Hand to Raise With, Dammit.

Back at the 3-6. Its a friendly game and everyone is having a great time I'm in the #2 seat, There is a Korean guy to my right, the check raising geezer from the morning game to my left, LA sunglass Asian kid, a few more generic people and the off duty dealer (lets call him Cosmo).

So we're rolling along, I'm playing my game, doing just fine. The button had just passed me and I was dealt AhQd. A bunch of people limp in and I raise. "Hey you raise my blind?" teases Cosmo. I shrug and smile and he calls. Everyone calls. The flop is AQ6 and I bet. I bet and bet and bet until the river and when I turn over my AQ Cosmo shouts "you raised with ace queen?!?!?" The whole table laughs like I had raised with 83 "They weren't even SUITED!!!" the Korean guy snorts. LA Asian sunglasses guy leans over and says "Yeah. I know what you were doing, but when you raise at this level you aren't going to chase anybody off. You should just limp with ace queen."

Looking back and reviewing my play, I don't think I did anything wrong in that hand. Just because I wasn't going to chase anyone off doesn't mean its a mistake to raise. In fact, with my raise, many people made the mistake of calling, which works in my favor. I want them to call and build the pot and showdown their marginal hands while I play my strong ones with raises. Right? Right???

But I let it get to me. It changed my play. I started limping with hands I normally would have played strongly. I check called and lost my aggression. The only thing I did right after that was to get up before my chip stack got too low. But still.

Act Two: Cosmo Learns a Lesson

So Cosmo was, as I mentioned, an off duty Aladdin dealer. He lost about 100 bucks at my table, then decided to go play the 2-4 game. Unlike my table, this game was not so friendly. Some surly college kids were playing like they were at the final table at the WSOP, all intense, with their ballcaps and sunglasses and ipods.

This is so not Cosmo's style, he is there to have some fun. So he starts live-straddling and playing really loose. Finally he is in a big blind and a surly kid raises. "Hey you raise my blind?" he laughs and calls blind. The flop is 5Q4. Cosmo check calls - still not looking at his cards. Turn is an 8. check call. River is an A. check call. The kid throws down AA for a set. You know whats coming don't you?

Cosmo turns over 23 for a straight.

The kids goes KEEE-RAY-ZEEE. He makes such a commotion other tables are pausing to watch. He accuses the dealer of being a mechanic. The dealer takes great offense to this and calls over a floor manager and has the kid removed from the poker room. The kid goes to the Casino Management Office and fills out a complaint against Cosmo! So Cosmo is suspended from work for two days pending an investigation.

After that, the fun was over. All the dealers were cranky and distracted. We bid the Aladdin adieu, and went back to the room to sleep.

We all learned an important lesson that day; poker is a fun game.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand roll credits.

OK just for you who read this whole thing - The directors cut includes one more little story about Cosmo. I was talking to him after the whole incident and he suddenly said "hey, weren't you here about a month ago with your husband and you raise his blind?" Turns out Cosmo was our dealer last month when I tried to steal fhwrdh's bb and he fought back by playing the rest of the hand blind - and winning.

Dear Joe Speaker

2005-07-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

I made you a chart for your blog. It is so scientific, it even has a margin of error!

your pal, Facty

I'm Quittin' My Job and Going Pro!

2005-07-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ok not really. But guess what you guys...

Today I played in the $1 No Limit Special at Paradise Poker and I won 4th place! Out of 900+ people! 58 bucks!

If I do that 175 more times, there's my buy-in for next years WSOP.

Las Vegas 2005 Parts 1-3

2005-07-12T17:35:00.000-07:00

Part One: First Class

First things first: All Las Vegas Trip Reports should start with Mingus

"Honey, there's something... I... I just want a little..." I could hear my husband swallow the tangy bar-b-q sauce of fear on the other end of the phone. He was at work and I was at home packing for our trip and getting the house ready for grandma babysitter.

"I just would really love it if I could have a surprise for my birthday."

My husband fhwrdh and I go to Las Vegas every year for our wedding anniversary (7/7) and my birthday (7/9). These trips have been a great time for us to relax, recharge and have fun adventures together without the kids. I was excited about this year.

"A surprise? What kind of surprise?"

In 2003 we stayed at the Las Vegas Hilton, saw Penn & Teller and dined at Bradley Ogden (more on this excellent restaurant later). 2004 found us at the Venetian, dining at AquaKnox (wonderful seafood) and Bouchon (chef Thomas Keller of French Laundry) and dipping my toe into the world of live poker at Excaliber.

This year I had a list of stuff I wanted to do:
1.Stay at the Bellagio and compare it to the Venetian ( I love snooty lodging!)
2.Eat at Bradley Ogden again (I love expensive food!)
3.Get a birthday surprise from fhwrdh
4.Go check out the World Series of Poker
5.Find Dr Pauly and thank him for his great writing
6.Play more poker

"I don't know - something romantic. It doesn't have to be huge - just a surprise."

The morning of our trip I woke up with a head cold. I felt groggy and sneezy and sleepy all at once - half the seven dwarfs instead of my princess self. My luck took a turn for the better when I used web check-in for our flight and was offered an upgrade to first class. Woo hoo!

First class is pretty great. You get a big seat, a pillow, all the free drinks you can pound, and your own video screen. I slept through the entire flight - which is good anyway because any girl who writes this dramatically can't be a good flyer. (yes, white knuckles, but I suck it up)

"um... shhhuuuure."

Part Dos: The Bellagio

You can skip this whole part if you don't care what I think of the Bellagio .

The Bellagio's very best feature (not counting the poker room) is located at the front desk. The ceiling is beautiful and covered in glass sculpture echoing a mille fiore. The front desk personnel were helpful but I think the little gal was giving my man the eye. She was all "Hey, you're from Los Angeles? I'M from Los Angeles!" I said "Wow, what a small world!" but I was really thinking was "Get your own geek little girl, this one's mine!"

The room was well decorated but much smaller than the Venetian. Fhwrdh liked the decor better but he will choke on his Dr Pepper once he sees this scientific chart:

So you see, though both hotels are snooty and ideally located, the Venetian is the winner of the better room contest. Bellagio had one thing better about it - they have a poker room and there were many famous poker players milling around.

I decided to take a nap so fh went down to check out the poker downstairs. Bellagio's sheets were 180 thread count (I personally don't put under 300 thread count on my beds) and I slept fitfully - almost as if someone had placed a pea under the mattress...

I was starving hungry so I got up after two hours and headed down to the poker room to find fh - who looked so sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I've been watching all this time and they just called my name for a seat."

poor fhwrdh.*

Part Three: Poker at Excaliber - Bleh

The Excalibur has the lowest limit game on the strip, friendly dealers, a carbtastic buffet, and the worst players ever. But even the worst players draw to a hand now and then so fh was getting mad.

Fh was tilting like the Tower of Pisa - even with his tight aggressive game he was left with a small stack when hand after hand went to rivered miracles for the dead-eyed hicks at the table. He finally went all in and busted out. As he left the table I heard him mutter "I'm going to a table where people fold."

I hung in there with the Fedex pilot to my left and the Arizona pretty girl to my right. Finally I was down 20 bucks - holding steady but getting bored. I found fh and we called it a night.

Sorry, no hand histories - I'm not trying to make you throw up - just lull you to sleep.

*note: I am a very good wife and totally offered to rail-bird him while he took the available seat but he is a very good husband who wouldn't hear of me going hungry while he played. just so ya know I'm not a torturer

Up Next: Parts 4-6 in which we go to the WSOP, play poker and I get my birthday surprise (stay tuned, it's a doozy!)

Factgirl Reviews: Herbie Fully Loaded

2005-06-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

(with guest contributor Hellcat)

Yesterday was a day packed with awesome social events, first Jelly had a birthday party that left him sunburned, exhausted (from swimming for four hours straight) and with a fierce sugar hangover. Then, Helly and I went with another mother daughter team to the movies.

When attending the cinema, I have found a few things most affect my enjoyment of the entire experience:

seat selection - I like to get to the theater about 30 minutes before showtime to ensure a prime seat in the center/forward of the house. Some people think the prime real estate is in the center/rear but beware, that area is filled with elderly people who talk all the way through the movie. Sitting in the front with the teens might seem scary at first, but rest assured, they make fun of the commercials and previews, but sttle down quickly once the credits roll.

concession purchase and distribution - Sometimes when you go to the movies with people you don't know very well, they may encourage you to deviate from the traditional popcorn, candy, coke trifecta. Hold fast and do not be swayed by the movie dogs and nachos and pretzels. They taste like licking the floor. drinks should be placed in the cup holder furthest from your seat mate unless you are sharing, leaving an empty cup holder between you. This is where the m&ms or sour patch kids go for sharing. Popcorn should be passed back and forth and then thrown on the floor when you are done.

movie friend - some people who are terrible to go to the movies with: fhwrdh (cranky, bad knees, hates all movies and people) Jellyface (can't stop talking, jumps up and down, popcorn/drink spiller) Hellcat (doesn't know how to whisper, squirmy, needs to pee every 30 minutes). Some people who are good to go to the movies with: my sister (good inside joke recall, likes the same kind of movies as me, we're sisters so we can share diet coke) Priya (so quiet during the film, great to discuss the movie afterwards)

and finally...

the film - Notice this is last on the list. I like movies. No, I love them. There are few films I cant find something to like about - which brings me to the movie of the day:

Herbie: Fully Loaded

From the first squirt of motor oil into the face of a slimy junkyard owner you know this is going to be a ride down memory lane - straight into summer 1974! Yeah, school's out for the summer, you got your cut offs, your halter top, your bike with banana seat and monkey bars and your mom doesn't care what you do as long as you don't stand in front of the TV while All My Children is on and you don't touch the box of wine in the fridge (avocado).

Lindsey Lohan plays Dean Jones, the owner of the Love Bu... oh wait we can't call it the love bug anymore. why? Because there is no love in the 2000s. So if Herbie's not loaded with love, what is he loaded with? Hollywood rumor says that Herbie was loaded with a little too much Lohan and her distractingly huge chest had to be digitally ensmallend! Luckily, I don't need Lohan's ladies to enjoy a movie - though I found myself looking for signs of photoshop in most every frame.

I was so distracted by my boob-sleuthery that I might have lost track of the plot, but thankfully the awesome writers at Disney Studios had my back. Just as in the 1974 version, the plot of Herbie: the Love Bu...er Fully Loaded is girl meets car, girl fixes car up, girl doesn't appreciate what she has, girl loses car, girl gets car back.

The simple story is enhanced by a sassy feel good soundtrack with songs like Walkin' on Sunshine, More Than a Feelin', and Workin' for the Weekend. Really, if you wrote a song in the 1970-80s with a ' in place of a g, your royalty check should be arriving any day. Watch for it. Really.

Cameos included Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson and Dale Jarret. Buddy Hacket does not appear in this version because he died in 2003. Death doesn't keep Michael Keaton from playing Linsey's overprotective father - he has grown some excellent Nascar Facial Hair for the role thats almost worth a Google Image search. Not really.

In closing, let's ask six year old Miss Hellcat what she thought of this movie:

Mom: Helly, how did you like the movie?
Hellcat: It was stupid.
Mom: What about the girl?
Hellcat: She was so stupid.
Mom: How about that awesome soundtrack?
Hellcat: stupid.
Mom: How about the car? Wasn't the car cool?
Hellcat: *glare*
Mom:...
Hellcat: I never want to go to the movies again.

#fin#

Factgirl Reviews: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

2005-06-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Poor Jen.

La la la lala

2005-06-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

penguin.jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

You know what I love? Penguins eating ice cream.

Where Have All the Poker Bloggers Gone?

2005-06-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

picture(72).jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

Dear Poker Bloggers,

How is it going in Las Vegas? Really? Wow thats terrific! You drank what? Oh my goodness! You are up how much? Awesome!

I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know how boring the internet is without your bloging. I've had to resort to reading actual books. Made of paper. with ink.

Come back safe and soon,
facty

Dun Dun Dun dundundun dun dundunnnnnn

2005-06-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

darthgreer.jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

This is Darth Hellcat standing next to her Death Stove. As you can see, Helly has paired a lovely lavender frock with her Vader Mask, giving her an air of dark side dainty. Look carefully and see Auntie Storm Trooper's elbow and knee waiting patiently for the Master's orders!

Back to Normal (in facty-ality)

2005-05-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

picture(19).jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

Remember last post when I was feeling a bit off? I felt like the PTA ladies were talking behind my back and my poker game suddenly went south - and by south I mean my bankroll suddenly went from 90 bucks down to 12, yes, twelve bucks!

But guess what? I made it all back plus some. And the PTA ladies - they were talking about someone else. Rock!

The pic above is me (red hair, glasses) playing poker at the IHG the other night - scroll down if you want the low-down on that very fun night.

In other news, the blue jay that lived in our lemon tree out from got ripped up by a cat or mountain lion. Why this is sad, besides the fact that vegetarian fhwrdh had to pick the little corpse up with a garbage bag is that this was a cool little blue jay that came back every spring to build a nest in the lemon tree and lay eggs. It used to hop around the yard and look in our windows at us. When the kids would get too close to the lemon tree it would chase them away.

Goodbye scrappy little blue jay.

PS Cats suck

One of Those Days

2005-05-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

Blue Sunshine Day
Originally uploaded by mattjb.

Ever have one of those days?

Back up, because one thing you need to know about me is that I have a naturally positive outlook on everything. I am so good at looking on the bright side, I have been asked to be a spokesmodel for the bright side and do infomercials. I am so sunny, people riding the bus with me have been literally blinded looking into my chromosphere. its true.

so the last couple of days something strange has been happening. First, my awesome and well documented skills at poker (I beat my mom, I beat my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh) have completely left me. All of a sudden I cant win a hand - even if I get A-Q!

Also, I have this weird feeling that I'm doing everything wrong. Like maybe thinking that I forgot something at home while I'm on my way somewhere. Or I am flaking on someone somewhere that I don't know. Or the PTA moms are just being nice to my face but talk shit behind my back.

One of those days.

But it is Friday. That's pretty cool. And Uchenna and Joyce won The Amazing Race - that rocked. And I did get that cool PTA award for my volunteering on Thursday. And my kids are cute. And fhwrdh is a good guy.

And poker is still fun even if I suck at it.

This message brought to you by The Bright Side. The optimist's friend since 1902.

Happy Moms Day

2005-05-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Moms Day
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

My awsome skills at poker have been well documented here on this blog; I beat my mom, I beat my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh.

But did you listen? No, sir, you did not. So you had to pay. MWA HA AHA HA

The Game
Here's how the night went down: I finally got a babysitter and made it to lkim's infamous home game. As I slid my copy of Harrington on Hold Em into my bag I blinked my eyes real big like a frightened little deer and said "Now you boys might have to remind me of the betting and rules."

I was seated at table 1 seat 1 (out of 3 tables and 24 seats), fhwrdh was way across the room at table 3. This would have been fine if my whole "*blink* *blink* I don't know much about poker *blink* routine hadn't been sabotaged when fhwrdh called to me "facty, how ya doin?" and I replied - "bout even - stole the blinds once but thats it" oops!

The Boat
So I sit and I fold and I wait for the cards to come and I wait and I wait and the folding feels like its never going to stop when all of a sudden KQo. Best cards I've seen all afternoon. I raise. "Last hand before the break!" lkim announces. One caller. Here comes the flop: K Q K. Hey, I think to myself, I bet that's the nuts right there. so I check. Other player min bets. I call. The turn is a 6 I check and call another min bet. River is a 10. I check again and the other player goes all in. I call - he shows an Ace high straight - I was so excited that I SLAPPED my cards down on the table. (I really am not the type of person who rubs peoples nose in their defeat but I was stoked). A loud whoop went out through the room and shouts of "How ya like my boat, BITCH" went up as I doubled up to assume my rightful place as Your Chip Leader. It was pretty awesome.

During the break I called home to my beautiful babysitter to ask her if she could stay a little later than planned - after a little convincing she said yes (thank you thank you Miss!).

The Hammer
I only remember 2 other hands that night. Number one where I was delt The Hammer so I raised (fhwrdh said that if I want to be a real poker blogger I have to raise, win and show The Hammer). I bet super aggressively and pushed the stand up comic next to me off his small pair. I flashed my hand to pokergeek and I think he was proud of me... or was that terror in his eyes?

Fin
The other hand I remember is my last - it was just after the Editor suggested we chop because we were down to 1st, 2nd and 3rd and I needed to get back to the kids. We ended up playing more and the next hand was the end for me. It wasn't a bad beat, and I didn't feel like I made an error - I had KTc and I called an all in thinking BC next to me probably had a small pair. He did - 7s and we flopped turned and rivered and they held up. I was crippled. I took 3rd and kept my own bounty (5 bucks) and was happy with how it all went.

I had a great time, got to play my awesome poker and met some great people. lkim is the best host ever.

But wait! The night's not over!

We got home and our kids and lovely babysitter had baked the brownies pictured above. See now? That's the real reason you shouldn't play cards with me... because I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Medium

2005-05-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

inkblot
Originally uploaded by brightside.

I am falling behind on my television viewing due to my awesome power at online poker (I am missing Lost right this minute but how can I leave when I'm up 6 bucks?) Anyway, I was just thinking that one show that I love is Medium. It stars Patricia Arquette, who I love for the fact that she has a normal womans body - she looks like a real person plus her teeth are cool like David Bowie. It also has some other cast members who are really good.

The thing that really draws me back every week though is the opening credit montage. Even if you aren't a TV watcher I encourage you to tune in for the title sequence. They start with a Rorschach test looking kaleidoscope with some other images sprinkled here and there and the music accentuates the eeriness. The way they set the tome for the show in such an artful way is very Saul Bass - and yet a teeny bit 1975 Monday night mystery.

I just want to warn you though, there is one thing about the show that may be off-putting to some (yet thrilling to others) is that the husband walks around in boxer shorts and a t-shirt a lot - which is fine mind you, he is good looking but...but... you can totally see the outline of his weiner. Its a little distracting.

ahem.

So what else is new - Hellcat is better with the double ear infection and strep and pink eye.

I had to go get a crown on my tooth. Let me tell you something. Crowns belong on Princess heads not teeth.

Hey Nerd!

2005-05-03T22:43:00.000-07:00

Flickr Peep Show
Originally uploaded by Look at my photos.

Enjoy your new hobby.

Seige of Sniffles: Day 4

2005-04-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

Jellyface is feeling better but yesterday Hellcat took a turn for the worse. We had picked Jelly up from school and stopped by the market because I'm totally out of frozen pizza, wine and coffee. Halfway through the trip Helly goes "my ear is hurting", it was not ten minutes later before the girl was pale, feverish and in excruciating pain.

I rushed the kids home called the doc - no appointments until Friday. So I gave Helly the only medicine I had that looked like it might help; some kinda Triaminic with Tylonol. Then I put her into a bath. Suddenly, she looks up at me in a panic and mouths silently "help I can't breathe" sure enough her lips are turning blue - she really can't breathe!

So I scoop her out of the tub and rub her really fast with a towel and say "You can breathe! You can breathe!" and suddenly she takes a LOUD breath of air. Man I was so realieved I just hugged her and hugged her.

Woo how dramatic!

So I took her to the doctor this morning and she was a trooper. He told her she had massive infections in both ears, a red thoat and *gasp* pink eye. Her face may just fall off unless her little nose stays healthy. The breathing thing was because her fever broke.

So the eyedrops are 50 bucks and the non-generic Antibiotic was 100 bucks and she still doesn't feel better. Plus she decided she hates getting drops in her eyes. Now I would just love to tell her "aw honey ok, if you don't like the drops we'll just skip them" Like June Cleaver, but dude, those drops were 50 BUCKS! Unless Miss baby can reimburse me for a seafood dinner at a moderatly priced chain restaurant SHE IS GETTIN THE DAMN DROPS!

This is one area where my children differ - Jelly I had to wrestle to the floor and sit on to administer medicine - Helly I just have to play her special chess game of drama until she says uncle. Luckily I INVENTED THAT GAME 30 YEARS AGO! MWA HA HA ! (don't tell her till shes grown out of this phase ok?)

In other news: my fhwrdh brought me kit kats even though he feels like crap. That is reason #1,355,827 why I love him.

Epidemic: Day 2

2005-04-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

IMG_3640.JPG
Originally uploaded by theslinky.

Last week I had a totally sore throat. Now my sinuses hurt.

Yesterday Jellyface had a bad sore throat and the sniffles. At school one of the teachers said she had the Whooping cough! That is bullcrap of course - no one gets the whooping cough. She probably had consumption or dropsy.

Now little Hellcat has the sniffles and sore throat. So now I have both kids home from school and they are making messes everywhere. Plus they are filling up the tivo with some of the worst shows ever - like Ed, Edd, and Eddie and Billy and Mandy (sorry Juli H, but your show sucks ass - no offense). There just better be room on Tivo for my Lost and Revelations episodes tonight or those kids are punished!

Wow I don't even feel like eating chocolate right now.

So what else...My hair looks great today - of course because I can't go anywhere to show it off.

Factgirl Reviews: Play Without Words

2005-04-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

Play Without Words
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

It was Christmas, 2004 and we were gathered with family to chow our Christmas turkey (or ham, I really can't recall). We opened our presents a lo, what to my watering eyes should appear, but season tickets to the Ahmanson!

Every evening has been really fun, with stand out performances of Little Shop of Horrors and Caroline or Change, but the most excellent show of all is the current Play Without Words.

First of all, you should know, it includes dancing. In fact, it's all dancing. the entire narrative is told through - gulp - dance. But this is no ordinary Nutcracker, no no !

Its the story of 1960's Rich Guy, who dances his way through buying a big house, hiring a frisky maid and gay butler, making out with his chic girlfriend, making out with his frisky maid, and other great plot twists which I wont give away here. Suffice it to say the story is compelling.

Even more compelling is the choreography. Matthew Bourne cast each character with three dancers - who all dance at the same time. This not only adds to the visual fun, but also serves the story very well, sometimes illustrating what a character feels as opposed to his actions.

The sets and stage direction sometimes bring to mind a cool Shag painting or an episode of Hullabaloo. They round out this funny, sexy, smart treat of a night out.

I recommend it heartily for adults who like doing stuff.

Factgirl rating: 10 out of 10 Morton's Honey Buns

Bonnie Franklin Loves to Tap!

2005-04-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

bonniefranklin
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Dear Bonnie,

Girl, I totally know where you are coming from. I hate to exercise too! The gym is smelly and foot fungus growing everywhere and those skinny bitches with their dumb water bottles - they will bump into you with them just to give you a cellulite bruise so watch out!

You know what I love to do? Play poker. One reason for my love of poker is how excellent at it I am. As previously mentioned I beat my mom and my dad and almost beat fhwrdh, but what I didn't mention is that one time I came in second at a real tournament with MEN playing. Its true!

Hey remember when you were playing Ann Romano and you used to have the theme song... This is it! This is life, the only one we get so lets have a ball.. And Schneider! OMG he was so funny with the cigs in the shirtsleeve and the moustache!

Anyway, back to poker. So I made a poker blog and it has received over 4 hits! I know - pretty awesome. I even got invited to a poker blogger poker night at a real casino! I was flyin on top of the world when "Aw snap! I have tickets to a cerebral night at the theater Saturday night!" I always have bad luck like that. Oh well. I will Blog part Deux of my Complete Poker Tutorial and If it is well received maybe I'll get invited out again with the poker bloggers.

Anyway, girlfriend I gotta go think about ordering dinner for the kids, so I am outies. Say hi to Val and Mac for me!

Keep Tappin!
-Facty

So Happy It's Thursday!

2005-04-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

Rawk! It's frickin Thursday people! My favorite day of the week.

a-one o'clock, a-two-hoo o'clock, a-thrrrree o'clock crunch thrrrrree!

2005-04-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

ball_clock
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Hey Mister Owl, check out my Tootsie Pop Nelson Clock!

Modern accessories have never been so inexpensive (and yummy!)

Design w/o Reach

yum

yum

Butterfly Invasion: Day 11

2005-04-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

butterfly graveyard
Originally uploaded by jamie h.

The Great Butterfly Invasion of 2005 is nearly over but new information is still coming out about this fearsome predator: it seems the rabid insects that have clogged our skyways for the past week and a half turn out to be not Monarchs, but the even more deadly Painted Lady Butterflies.

Painted Ladies are swarming from Northern Mexico through Southern California because they thirst for the ritalin-rich blood of our innocent children (and the heavy rainfall this winter made for lush hiding spaces).

Scroll down for tips on what to do if you encounter a butterfly and take inventory of your emergency supplies.

Girl Scout cookies!

Clarifications

2005-04-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

Many of you have written in to ask "Facty, what qualifications do you have to write your Complete Poker Tutorial?". (well ok, no one wrote in but fhwrdh did give me the stink eye when I told him I was going to blog about poker).

Well last night I just so happened to have won a poker game. I beat my mom and my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh! So I wanted to share my gift with the world. I'm a giver. Its how I roll. Is that so very wrong mister fhwrdh (if that is your real name)?

That's what I thought.

Factgirl's Complete Poker Tutorial

2005-04-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

"Son, I've made a life out of readin' people's faces, and knowin' what their cards were by he way they held their eyes." Kenny Rogers, "The Gambler"

Kenny Rogers was right - reading people is important in the game of poker. Just as important, though, is to be very aware that whilst you are reading your opponents they are reading you! (Also the hand rankings and betting rules are important but we will get to those at a later date.) Today's tutorial subject is:

Table Image

Table image begins before you even set foot on a poker table. Sit back and imagine yourself right now playing a hand. How do you look? Are the other players respecting your raises? Are any hot ladies sweating* you?

The first thing to do is determine your personal style. See if you identify with any of these:

-be old, beloved and wear a white cowboy hat. be from Texas.
-grow very tall. use your mild manner to become the Principal of Poker.
-wear creepy hologram glasses and carry bones in your pockets.
-grow you hair totally long and wear black. ballroom dance.
-sign many endorsement deals. throw tantrums and be a prick.
-make rockin gold brass knuckles with your name on them. be British.

Do any of these appeal to you? Yes? Too bad, they're taken, but don't fret, you still have hope. Just follow this recipe.

1.Choose a hat. Poker players across the globe agree, one of the beginners best investments is a hat with a substantial brim. Hats can be trucker, baseball, cowboy, or even a Mexican sombrero. If possible, pick a hat with a witty poker saying, such as "I got the Nuts!!!" or "Poker Stud" so people know you are serious enough to invest in true poker gear.

2.Sunglasses are a must. I cannot stress this enough. Now that many casinos are non-smoking, sunglasses are the only way to have that hip Hollywood image we poker players admire and respect. Warning: the only brand to avoid is Oakley. Oakleys are for dorks only (unless you can slice my head off with a playing card - then you can pull off Oakleys).

3.Apple iPod. Poker players only love one thing more than poker and drinks and snacks and buffets, and that is tunes. Tunes help us stay in the winning mindset. Some songs to preload before the big game: Bohemian Rhapsody, Eye of the Tiger, Another One Bites the Dust and Highway to Hell.

This should get your look started, but I know what you're thinking, "Facty, I look outstanding! But how shall I deport myself to inspire respect in my opponents?"

"Chill," I reply to you, "Just follow my three rules of table behavior. Check it out:"

Rule One: Bluff early, bluff often. Bluff bluff bluff. Make sure you show people your cards after a successful bluff and laugh in their stupid faces. Rub it in good! Keep bluffing a little more.

Rule Two: Develop a signature sound. Maybe shout "Bok bok!" every once in a while. Or snort through your nose really loudly. Whistle!

Rule Three: Chip tricks. Riffle them, shuffle them, flip them, spin them. Whatever you do, move your chips, and the louder the better!

Well, that should get you started on a winning poker career. Next time: Factgirl's Complete Poker Tutorial Part Two: The Rules of Texas Hold' Em

*sweating = watching you play and caring if you win or lose.

EMERGENCY!

2005-04-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

fire
Originally uploaded by schadenfreude lola.

Today My sister and I took our kids to the The California Science Center. If you are grown up or don't live in LA, the Ca Sci Ctr is a big science museum in Exposition Park downtown. It has stuff to learn about recycling, alternative fuel sources, how your guts work, and whatnot.

We arrived late because right as we were walking out the door my nice neighbor came over to ask for some lemons. She is very nice and must love lemons. She maybe should think of planting her own lemon tree. I may take a sharpie and write PLANT ME on the side of a lemon and leave it by her door. Ooo that would be sad though if she opens the door and trips on it. I better light it on fire first so she's sure to see it!

Anyway, we were at the Science Center and the kids were learning about how remotes and flash bulbs and radios work when suddenly my sister says "hey I think thats the fire alarm!". Sure enough there is a strobe light on the wall going crazy and a faint little beeep beeep beeep . Then a Fembot Robo-voice came on the intercom "Attention. A fire has been reported in the building. Please exit the building."

Now I have been in a few malls and public areas when a fire alarm goes off and I am always amazed at what happens. People hear the alarm, then confirm visually that the alarm is going off. Then they tell a friend or child or someone near them "hey the fire alarm is going off". Then they stand there like idiots or go back to what they are doing. This is why people die in horrific fires and balcony collapses and all that.

Not my sister and me though. We are survivors! We calmly herded our kids out of the building. Then we complimented them on their excellent survival skills. Then we yelled at Jelly for screaming "RUN EVERYBODY THERE IS A BAD FIRE IN THE BUILDING! SAVE YOURSELVES! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!" Then we went over to the flame-free Natural History Museum to check out the freaky Megamouth Shark and Coelacanth.

Oh yeah then on the way home we saw this guy whose car was on fire and he was just sitting there but right in front of us was an army man (or marine or whatever) and he pulled up and got the guy out of his car and helped him. The guy whose car was on fire had a man bag and I started laughing my head off. I love Man Bags. Go Kel Night!!!!

Pop Rocks and Coke baby!

Los Angeles Butterfly Invasion: Day 6

2005-04-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

flutterbys
Originally uploaded by kimyo.

Some Tips on Surviving the Los Angeles Butterfly Invasion of 2005

1. Stay indoors as much as possible. When moving from indoors to outside, squeeze through the smallest crack in the door you can fit through to prevent butterflies from entering your home.

2. At mealtimes, rinse plate, cups, and silverware to remove any butterfly excrement and the carcasses of expired insects. You will be suprised at how much better your meatloaf will taste!

3. Never put a Monarch down the garbage disposal. Always scrape them into the
trash - double bagged if possible.

4. To protect children from the Monarchs deadly sting, spray them with a triple guard pest repellent containing Malathion or DDT.

5. Keep children away from the Monarch's second favorite food (next to human flesh) fresh fruit.

6. Place water-soaked rolled up towels at the base of bedroom doors before going to sleep to keep Monarchs from slipping in.

7. Start neighborhood butterfly patrols with neighbors.

Good Luck Angelinos!

also I love chocolate

So Happy Its Thursday!

2005-03-31T16:57:00.000-08:00

beer sign
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. Why? This is something I have tried to introspect on for years now.

At first I thought it was because Thursday is planning day for the weekend. Call a few friends, see whats up, wanna hang out tomorrow night and watch movies? We goin over to Cara's later? right on. She did what? No she di-int! No way! Well I'm not going then. You can go without me. Psyche! I'm totally going! See that is a full Thursday phone conversation right there.

Then I realized that some of the best TV has always been on Thursday nights (this was way before must see TV you whippersnapper). Charlie's Angels!

So today is Thursday and I have been feelin good all day. Spring in my step. Total blog redesign. Laundry almost done (ok not really but I don't care). The kids are barely even on my nerves! Plus Survivor and The Apprentice are on tonight and I have awesome plans for tomorrow night.

Chocolate Kisses!

Rosie

2005-03-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

Rosie
Originally uploaded by davidburn.

Complete blog redesign and the things barely a week old! this morning I received the devastating news that I had the same blog design as Rosie O'Donnell.

Nothing against Rosie, mind you! She is fine with me with the gun control and the kid adopting and the lesbiening and all.

But seriously, now, don't you think I need something a little more unique? Me too.

This design is from Eris Designs (see button at right) and their super duper template generator. Its called "My Favorite Scarf". Rosie, if you are reading this, you pick another one ok? Lets be unique and special snowflakes together.

My Friend's Friend

2005-03-30T22:45:00.000-08:00

orange dahlia
Originally uploaded by debaird.

Our family friend (lets call him "Damon") made a new friend (let's call her "Priya") and this weekend past they stopped by. I was so nervous to meet her (I'm really good at meeting people but still get twitchy when I care if they like me - and I was because I did).

So she came over...

and...

and...

She was GREAT! Pretty and smart and fun and funny and girly and calm and wonderful with the kids and had a beautiful smile and a lovely laugh and she's not stingy about using them! Even though she was sleepy and just wanted a nap she made excellent small talk and I thought the world of her.

I can't wait until we can all get together again.

/end gush

In other news I ate too much chocolate tonight.

A deadly swarm of Monarch Butterflies has invaded Los Angeles

2005-03-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

a butterfly...a wild butterfly
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

If you live in LA you have seen them, or maybe one landed on you while you were coming out of your botox appointment or one might have crawled cutely between your implants while you lunched on the westside. Most of us chose to smack into them with our SUVs on the 101, 10 or 405 freeways.

stupid butterflies.

In other news, I took Hellcat and Jellyface to the zoo today. All the animals were sitting around doing nothing. there was one deer-type-thing with very long horns that stood there for a sec before he laid down - that was the highlight. Even the chimps just sat there staring. Did you know that poking the animals with a stick to get them to entertain your kids is not allowed? ITS TRUE! Also no straws. that is probably to keep the animals from doing any emergency tracheotomy on each other.

Speaking of emergency tracheotomies, never choke in front of my parents. They did their EMT training a really long time ago and have been waiting over 30 years to hook someone up with a trache. You will barely give the universal sign of choking and my mom will be taking apart a ball-point pen and my dad will be sterilizing his pocket knife with his lighter. Heimlich-schmeimlich!

You know what is so good? chocolate covered pretzels.

Hello World

2005-03-23T17:07:00.000-08:00

I wanted a blog (or as I like to call it bdiary) for a long time. now i have one. lucky me! lucky you too. lucky us one and all!

time for a cocktail. and a snack. and a nap.