WOOO!

Yesterday afternoon some of the bloggers were feeling like doing a little $10+1 MTT on Stars. Its a little above my bankroll but I joined in just for fun (and more tournament experience).

And guess what bitches?

I had my very best MTT tournament finish EVER! My previous best was a 4th place in a $1+.50 that only made me 45 bucks. This time I finished 3rd and made...

get ready....

$674!!! That's right!

what's more is that I had more fun doing it than you would believe, Thanks to the finest flock of railbirds in the bloggyverse. There was Heather and April and Shelly and Alan and Scott and Xennor! Some people who were there but went to bed (we didn't finish til 1am Pacific) Were Mourn (remind me where your blog is and I'll link ya up!) and Texas April. Also you should know I was trying to channel Joe Speaker by being patient, nice and ruthless.

After I won I woke up fhwrdh to tell him the good news - I think he is finally getting over the fight or flight reflex of me waking him up about poker. :)

Thank you all so much for hanging with me and your great final table advice. You guys are teh RAWK~

I idi it!

The above title of this post is what I typo'd in the chat of the .50/1 blogger ring game after getting back to my buyin before tooloftheman did. Hi Marty!

That game was super fun. There was April and Maigrey and Shelly and Pauly and He1lixx and Penner and Drizz and Marty and some very surprised regular players. good times.

------------

Nothing starts your New Years Resolution Diet better than a nasty stomach flu. That's what I had and my kids too but fhwrdh never got it. That is because he is the devil.

------------

I am still working on the final installment of my Las vegas trip report. I want it to be perfect for you so hang tight people.

Funniest thing on SNL Since More Cowbell

Its The Chronic WHAT? cles of Narnia!

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas Part 3

Recap: We found Bill Rini without the help of CSI, Gay cowboys ran amok, and Turns out J6 isn't such a bad hand against KQ.


Chapter Six: The MGM Grand: a fun place to meet friends, get drunk, play poker and extort money from all your new aquaintences.

I was lucky enough to be on a mission that put me in the path of 4/5 of the attending bloggers: collecting for BR's suprise. I was so happy to meet every single one of you and you were all so generous! Before we left for Vegas, the blogger pledges covered $280 of the $300 Gift Certificate. I knew there would be people who wanted to contribute but hadn't replied to the
email so I bought $60 worth of iTunes and Barnes and Noble Gift Certificates for BR to keep or
hand out to his helpers as he wished. Once all the cash was counted it came to $352. Nice work
Bloggers! Only one blogger who pledged didn't follow through (for $2 - no big deal!). That is
amazing! Thanks to each and every one of you.

fhwrdh and I separated almost immediately - he getting his name on the table list and me heading off with that other Poker Widow, Mrs. HDouble. We scrambled to the bar and ordered lemon drop martinis pretended we were in Sex and the City (the drinking fabulous drinks part, not the screwing every guy who gave us a wink part).

We drank our drinks and smoked a clandestine cig as man after man tried to put the moves on us, but we would have none of it.

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"
"Sorry, we are busy tonight."
"Excuse me, can I borrow your lighter?"
"Heh, nice try buddy."
"Can I clear these empties away for you ladies?"
*splash* "Get away from us hot ladies you pervert!"

Finally, it was time to play poker. I put my name on the list and went to bother as many other
bloggers as I could until my table was ready for me.

Suddenly, my table was ready. I bought some chips and went to go teach some 2/4 players who the queen bee is. (its me)

I sat down and there was friendliness beaming across the table from a nicely groomed player with many many many chips. "Hi!" He chirped "I'm Mean Gene." People, thank goodness I wasn't drinking a glass of milk because it would have shot out my nose at velocities unseen since Mr Remmington invented the repeating Milk Cannon just before WW1. Sorry to wreck your table image Meanie but you are about as nice a gentleman as I've ever met.

So we commence to playing poker and I enjoyed chatting with Gene, the guest of a blogger next to me, the nice dealers and the other players. Soon, I was down about 20 bucks. I took stock and
realized that the way I was playing was not right and something needed to change. I looked around the table and took a quick inventory. blogger, blogger guest, tight weak, Mean Gene, tight aggressive playing only top 10 hands, loose passive, loose passive, calling station, tight weak, and one other guy. hmmm... I know! I'll go keeerazy!

So I start daring people to live straddle. After explaining the live straddle, I finally got someone to try it. I peeked at my hole cards - 72o and you know what that means bitches...RERAISE. The flop is 72Q. and I bet it to the river and flip em over yelling HAMMERRRR! To the joy of only two other people at the table. (that would be Mean Gene and the other blogger guest guy). From then on the table paid and paid and paid. I ended up +60 bucks!

Plus I made a new pal in Gene. He is DEFINITELY invited to my tea party. Fhwrdh was done with he poker before I was so he got to be witness to the ro sham bo and the drinking drunkeness, Gene and I joined the gang a little later for the standing around portion of the evening. It was great! Then I went back to the IP and to bed.


Next Up: The WPBT Winter Classic

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas First Blood Part 2

Recap: Mr and Mrs fhwrdh have just checked in to the regal Imperial Palace and headed downstairs to eat and find bloggers.


Chapter Three: The Legend of Bill Rini

We dropped our bags and ran into Ephro who gave us the lowdown on everyone's location. Hank was at the sportsbook, sophia asleep, Speaker at the tourney, Geek asleep, Bill Rini... wellllll...

"What Ephro? What is it?"

"We're not sure where Bill is now. It was ahhh... quite a night."

"WTF!?!?!?!"

"It was quite a night."

All we could get out of him was that Bill played Blackjack at the IP. To this day I'm not sure what the night held for our Bill, but I am hoping it included plenty of the monkey juice and a cute dealertainer! Somehow though, I think it included a firm hand on his shoulder by a bouncertainer and a pass-out onto one of the IP's hopefully Ebola free beds.

For the next 8 hours or so the question was "where's Bill Rini?" and the legend grew and grew. "He skipped town!", "I heard he got hitched to a dealertainer!", "Word is, he struck gold!", "That Bill Rini, I once saw him rope a steer and eat a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich at the same time!". When he finally showed up, I had to stop spreading my wonderful lies.


Chapter Four: Yeeeee HAW! -or- How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Rodeo

Something was fishy in V-town. From the moment we got off the plane there was something.... At first we couldn't put out fingers on it. Then we saw a gentleman with a cowboy hat, western-style button down shirt, big belt buckle and bowed legs come out of the restroom. Then another one followed him out. Thats when I remembered... Brokeback Mountain premiered this week!

I was just about to tell fhwrdh and point out the gay cowboys to him when all of a sudden I saw about 16 more gay cowboys! Turns out the rodeo was in town. Also I'm not really sure if all the cowboys were gay (so save your comments for another blog you dumb cowboys).

PS Cowboys do not like Brokeback Mountain jokes. Thank me for that one later when a cowboy is not kicking your ass.

PPS I haven't stopped worrying at this point in the trip. Still scared.

PPPS I don't love the rodeo. not one bit.


Chapter Five: Imperial Poker at the Imperial Palace

So we mosey on down to the IP Poker Room - wait, I mean we mosey on down, then across the smokey casino, then up, then across to the IP Poker Room. Franklin buys in to the nl game and I buy in to the 3/6 limit - and thats when all the trouble started.

You see, at home, I like to play 2 tables, solve a sudoku, rock a bejeweled, and help the kids with their homework. So playing at a single live table is boring as all get-out. So I enjoy talking. I can talk all day long - did I mention one of my first jobs out of high school was Tour Guide at Universal Studios?

So I'm talking and playing and on the BB (thats Big Blind PTA Ladies) and I peek down at a Jack 5 which is as good a hand as any on the BB with 5 limpers. So I tap and out comes the flop 55x (that means I have trips bitches!) So I check and call the moderate bet as do 3 others. The next card is something that matches one of the suits on the board so I have to be a teensy bit concerned about a flush. I check and raise (that is a super aggressive move PTA ladies) and watch as two limpers fold but still one caller hangs on. I decide to give my cards a peek just to double check and....

AW SNAP! I have J6! I have no hand at all! This SUCKS!!

So the river comes and its a 6. The only chance I have to win is to place a bet so I do and...

the nice Texan fella next to me calls. DAYUM!

I flip over my J6 and the fella flips KQ suited. I had a pair of sixes to his King high. My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I scooped the chips and began stacking them. It was then I noticed that the table had grown very quiet.

"Nice river."

"Thanks!" (crickets...chirp chirp )

"You played your J6 pretty strong there."

"Yep I sure did!" (chirp chirp )

"I folded a straight draw that hit with the 6."

"Wow! Sorry. I hate when that happens!" (chirp)

The next few hands were played in total silence. I tightened up and was called down with KK and AQ that both held up and hit. The cowboys started getting sick of losing and left. All that were left were me, a nice blogger guest, and the desperate Texan so I packed up my chips and took off. Sorry bitches!


Up Next: The MGM: Myth or Real Deal?

Trip Report: WPBT Las Vegas

Prologue: In which facty wins a spot, then loses sleep.

Here is my deep dark secret: after I won the seat at the Desert Shootout a few weeks ago, first I was happy, but once the adrenalin wore off, I was scared. I was really worried about making some stupid play and looking like a dork. Or winning and have people say I got lucky and didn't deserve it. Or laughing at the table and having a piece of spit fly out of my mouth and land on someone. Or knocking over someone's beer. That is a lot of stress on a girl!

So I didn't sleep so much before the trip.

Oh yeah also I'm a teensy bit afraid of flying.


Chapter One: Hard Lessons at The Hard Rock (ok, it was at the Aladdin, but I'm alliterating)

We walked in to the Aladdin poker room and fhwrdh started pointing, "GRob, Speaker, Badblood, BG," etc. I thought he may be having a temporal lobe seizure and looked for something to stick in his mouth, but suddenly remembered that those were all blogger names and he was trying to point them out to me. Some of the bloggers called to him and encouraged him to enter the $100 NL tourney that was about to start. He did and I bought in to the 3-6 limit game.

I sat down next to a nice older lady who was sipping a nice ladylike iced tea. The rest of the table was filled with mostly cranky men, one loose Asian guy and two college kids at the end who were narrating every hand. Nice old lady next to me told us about her kids, how great the Aladdin buffet was, and how nice the weather was. She also took everyone's money and became my new poker hero.

Suddenly, I felt something brush my back and turned to see fhwrdh with a bitter pissed look on his face. He was out. It was the fhwrdh: Money in with the best hand, watch the suckout, head to the bar. I stayed in for one more round and cut my losses since everyone was still getting 0\/\/n3d by Grandma.


Chapter Two: The Imperial Palace

One of my many hobbies is playing text adventure games - like Zork. The Imperial Palace won my heart because it was just like one of those games:

You are at the Imperial Palace front driveway. There is a set of doors before you, some taped off with caution tape. You must enter them in the right combination. There is a sign here.

read sign

RAMP IS FOR EMPLOYEES ONLY. NO WHEELCHAIRS ON RAMP.

enter left door
enter right door
enter middle door

You are in the CASINO. It is smokey here. In the distance you can hear the dinging of slot machines and the random shouts of winners and losers. The front desk is to your left. A DEALERTAINER winks at you.

check in

You have checked in to the HOTEL. The elevator takes you to your floor. Your room key reads 11148.

exit elevator

You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
n
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
w
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
w
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
n
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
e
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.
s
You are in a maze of Asian influenced doorways, all alike.

You get the idea. Luckily I am really good at text adventures. We found our room, dropped our bags, checked the sheets for cleanliness, and scrammed to find friends.

Coming soon: Chapter 3: The Legend of Bill Rini

Happy World AIDS Day!

Well there was a little bit of happy news this World AIDS Day, people who are diagnosed HIV+ are living longer more normal lives than ever before. I learned that on NPR today in the car. I was all driving and half listening and half wondering when the new Trader Joes is opening in my neighborhood and all of a sudden I heard the NPR lady say a name I knew. It was my friend who is an epidemiologist and has been studying the AIDS epidemic in Los Angeles for the past several years. She sounded really smart and cool. So I turned up the radio.

She was talking about gay Hispanic men and crystal meth use.

"Mommy, what's gay sex?"

Shit.

I quickly turned to JACK FM. 867-530niyine... and cranked it up. "What was that honey?"

Soon the children had forgotten all about gay sex and were rocking out to freeform radio oldies.

Thank you Tommy Tutone.

Black Friday

Everyone who has a house needs to clean it now and then, and by house I mean place to live. Sure, Donald Trump doesn't have to take his dishes to the kitchen after dinner, but you think Milania doesn't insist he be a sweetie and wipe the seatie? Bitch, please!

Ok so I, as a mother of two children often have to clean my house. One time I tried to get the children to help but they acted like dirty little urchin-extras from the chorus of "Oliver!". No lie. They even did a medley of "Food, Glorious Food" until I begged for mercy.

Anyway...

I was cleaning my house today. First I did the bathrooms and burned all my nosehairs out with bleach fumes (beauty tip: nosehair getting unruly? try bleach fumes! and I'm talking to you, Andy Rooney). Then I played a $1 MTT (That's Multi-Table Tournament for you PTA Ladies) and I finished 65th - thanks AQ (Dear AQ, I am starting to rethink our relationship. I feel I can't trust you to deliver the sweet chips of my opponents as I once thought you could. I will still play you aggressively, but will be mindful that you can be quite a bitch. love, facty)

Where was I? Oh yes...

After the bleach burns and the MTT, I decided to vacuum the upstairs. So I did. I vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed. Then I took the wand and started to vacuum the dust bunnies under the bed. I had to lay down on the floor so I could see what I was vacuuming and something caught my eye. Under the bed just barely out of my reach was some paper... a book? a magazine? hmmm I scooted and reached with the wand as far as I could.... a little closer...a little closer...

SCHROOCHEEEEEE

suddenly my head was yanked brutally back and the vacuum made a sound between a whine and an evil cackle as my hair wrapped around its unforgiving roller. I yelped in pain and had to feel my way around to the side of the possessed machine to find the on/off switch - thank goodness it wasn't up by the handle or I'd be a goner. I flipped the switch and the vacuum of hell moaned and ceased. But my hair was still stuck. I gently worked my hair out of the groaning maw and sat up to survey the damage. Head: still there. Hair: Mostly still there. Vacuum: laughing at me with a huge clump of my red hair in its teeth. The overworked motor had stunk up the room and as I kicked the vacuum I vowed never to let this happen again.

So I'm gettin a maid y'all. All professional poker players should have maids.

Epilogue: The paper under the bed was an old Linux Journal. And that is how Linus Torvalds and my geek husband ruined my hair.

the end

Reprezent

Oh. My. God. Y'all.

I totally won a spot in the Shootout in the Desert Tournament! I will be reprezenting the ladies (or Dames if you prefer) of the Blogging Community as well as the Poker Widow Community plus also the PTA. I am honored.

When I won the tourney, I was so excited I ran into the bedroom where my poor poor fhwrdh was sleeping after working mas mucho overtime. I wiggled his shoulder to wake him. "I won!" I whisper-squealed.

"Whaaaaaaa?" he groaned. He was suddenly severely awake

"I won! I won the whole thing!" The look of sweet relief on his face reminded me that the last time I had woken him from an overtime nap was to tell him I was pregnant.

---

So for the PTA Ladies here's the rundown: I am going to Las Vegas in December with my husband, fhwrdh. I'm going to play in the WPBT (That's World Poker Blogger's Tournament) Winter Classic with about 100 other bloggers. I plan to bust out early and have a mojito, then I will be playing in a winner-take-all 6 person (5 boys and me) tourney. I plan to bust outa that early too. Then I will hang out with Mrs. Hdouble and have more mojitos. Maybe go to the spa for a massage.

---

The tournament was great. I feel like I played my very best game. My goal was just to have fun because so many good poker people were playing, I really didn't expect to get very far. Then I chatted and had a lot of fun but I was in the zone. Plus I got AA and KK and AK and AQ and they all held up. Yeah, that didn't hurt.

Anyway - sorry to all the people I busted. And thanks to all who stuck around and sweated me. Especially Ephro!

And the most thanks go to Bill Rini for putting the whole thing together. I'm gonna buy you a beer. or a mojito!

Dear fhwrdh

Dear fhwrdh: An Historical Account

by Ken Burns

PHOTO MONTAGE: family snapshots and memorabilia.

MUSIC: single violin playing "Keep the Homefires Burnin'" (trad.)

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

The software roll-out skirmish of 'ot 5 was in full swing. As engineering battles raged on the front lines, the wives kept the homesteads running and watched for signs that their brave husbands had made it home.

VOICE OVER: Collen Dewhurst

Dear fhwrdh,
I was overjoyed to read the letter you sent - and my heart is gladdened to know that the stockings I knit you fit and matched your uniform.

The children are doing fine. Jellyface has done his best to take on the role of man-of-the-house and has been practicing his farming skills. His ciphering still needs work but I know you will be proud when you come home. Hellcat has been working on her first sampler and darned if her needlework isn't as delicate as Grandma's!

All is returning back to normal after a fire in the barn took one of the she-goats. I have had to cut back on goat cheese hors d'vors but we are all sacrificing in these difficult times.

Well, that is all for now, my love. I must go refill my martini and microwave some hot dogs for the kids.

Your loving wife,
facty

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

fhwrdh was one of the lucky ones who made it home after the fierce battles that raged on the Los Angeles skyline, but only to be tragically devastated when he found his office had been turned into a craft room.

Poker Report: Thanks for the Poker Lesson!

Dealer: factgirl shows a full house, Tens full of Eights
Dealer: tomes275 shows a Royal Flush*
Dealer: tomes275 wins the pot (3,040) with a Royal Flush
Big 'ol Fish: wow, nh
Geo: nothin like a royal
tomey275: ty
Geo: just like real life
D_F: factgirl what were u thinking
factgirl: I had a FULL HOUSE...
Geo: r u serious d_f
D_F: it was easy to see that straight on the board
Geo: twit
Geo: she had a boat
D_F: not sraight flush
Geo: he had a royal
Geo: pay attention
Big 'ol Fish: chances of someone having a royal was very slim

*he played both hole cards (QJ) and rivered the K for the royal.

How will I ever learn to lay down those full houses when there is 3 to the royal flush on the board???

You Gonna Eat That?

So this Halloween my precious precious children went Trick or Treating.

Now you may have read some of my previous writings on the subject of Trick or Treating, but if you haven't and don't have the inclination to investigate further, let me summarize:

I think Trick or Treat is a poor idea. It is contrary to the messages we send to children all year long - don't talk to strangers, don't take candy from strangers, don't extort candy from people with threats of pranks.

As you might imagine, I have some pretty strict rules when it comes to Trick or Treating, all of which I will list for you now:

1. Stay together - this is always rule #1.
2. Only hit up houses with porchlights lit - This is just common courtesy.
3. Only hit up houses in Aunt Bendix's Cul d' Sac - It's a nice family neighborhood.
4. Let Mommy check every piece before you eat it - Not that I really think that people are going to poison anyone, but the school teaches the children all this Halloween Safety so you gotta put on a big show of checking the Hershey's miniatures for razor blades and rat poison.
5. Mommy gets all the Almond Joy - The kids agree because everyone knows Almond Joy, with its coconuty chocolatey nut, is as poisonous to children as the heels of the bread.

So Needless to say I am about to puke Almond Joy. Seriously. It was an Almond Joy frenzy this year. Sure the kids cried when I ended up taking half their stash, but can I help it if the market had a sale on Almond Joy? Or maybe my sister's cul d' sac is full of procrastinators. Come to think of it my sister is late to everything....

No matter. What counts now is that I have a stomach ache and the kids are mad at me.

Trick or Treat suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

WPBT Shootout

Howdy Y'all

I am playing in a blogger tournament. And I'm blogging it. This should create a crazy poker blog vortex so if you experience any dry mouth or dizziness, sit down and have a drink.

12:15 So far I'm down about 400 bucks. and sweet Maudie is out .

12:17 Hellcat hates my avatar, The Ugly Flower.

12:20 I'm the shortstack. dang!

12:27 Now I'm in 4th! yay!

12:31 Bill Rini rocks

12:36 Bill Rini tried to double up against me. I am way too smart for that! He thought I had an Ace but really I had nothing. I totally folded!

12:41 fhwrdh brought me pizza

12:48 that pizza was really good. it had eggplant. Easycure is making a comeback! He has more chips than me!

12:53 Easycure took some of my chips. that bastard

12:57 I'm out. Easy took the rest of my chips. He should buy me a drink for being such a crappy poker player. or at least give me a cool license plate link.

This concludes the liveblogging coverage for today - tune in next week for round 2 of the WPBT Shootout!

Factgirl Special Edition Double Post:

Hey factual friends, Its me, Facty! I'm here to make sure you have the best Halloween ever with a double post extravaganza. First, I will tell you what to be for halloween. Then I will give you some important halloween safety tips. That is a lot to cover, so lets get cracking.

What You Should be for Halloween

Guys:

Tom Cruise - Wear a leather jacket and jump over the couch when you arrive anywhere. Be short if possible.

Tom Sizemore - Hit on everyone.

Tom Hanks - get some fake oscars and be nice to everyone.

Tom Mix - mix a store bought dead zombie costume with a singing cowboy costume.

John Gulagher - Self depricate. Be awkward. kick ass.

Thats all I can really think of but that'll get you started.

Gals:

Kate Hudson - wear your hair down and a bohemian dress.

Kate Moss - carry a pic of Johnny Depp and a mirror with a line of sand glued to it.

Kate Winslet - oo this one is good cause you can go titanic or Eternal Sunshine!

Katie Holmes - put a fake coldsore on your top and Bottom lip. Carry a Scientology book and pretend you have morning sickness.

Facty the blogger - talk about how awesome you are all the time. ask people if they read your blog. never shut up about poker. wear a tiara for no reason.



Important Halloween Safety Tips

1. Don't eat Tainted Candy:

-candy corn
-Dr Pepper flavor Jelly Bellys
-Idaho Spud Candy Bars

2. Be careful of strangers and cars and whatnot.

Well, that about does it. Have a great Halloween!

Dear Bill Rini

This one time I was hanging out with my sister and I was all "Hey, you know whats fun? Poker" and she was all "you loser."

And that got me to thinking. What if you could fuse all the fun of poker with another of my favorite pastimes - drinking!

So I got myself right on the internet to send out the word that I had invented the awesomest way to have fun in the world. It was one of the best 40 seconds of my whole life. Turns out the poker bloggers have been drinking and pokering for years.

Well, back to the drawing board I guess.

Love,
Facy

PS Guess what? I am coming to the WPBT Winter Classic
PPS I'm bringing fhwrdh
PPPS I'm leavin the kids with Grandma! (Thanks Mom, you're the nuts!)

Bunco

While the college kids and husbands are out putting bad beats on the poker world, the ladies are dropping the kids off at school, gathering at whoever's maid most recently visited, mixing mojitos, and playing Bunco.

Bunco in the house y'all.

Here's the thing. Bunco is a dice game. You have 3 dice. The dice get rolled and passed around and the girls talk the girl talk. We all buy in for 10 bucks and, as I see it, that is the price of hangin with your friends, eating potluck fritata and screaming Bunco! at the top of your lungs every once in a while. Did I mention there is a bell?

One thing Bunco is not is a +ev game. you can be the skilledest dice roller in the world and lose at bunco. You can shout BUNCO the loudest of anyone you know and lose at bunco. You can have a $5000 boob job and still lose at bunco (but at least you'll have nice boobs). What I'm getting at is that I must find a way...

somehow...

some way...

to teach these ladies poker.

I am way more all in than you...

I have registered to play in the
Online Poker Blogger Championship!

This event is powered by PokerStars.

Registration code: 1739333

Skating with Celebrities!

factgirl: Skating with Celebrities
Sis: huh? wha?
factgirl: SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES!
factgirl: remember dancing with the stars?
Sis: ya
factgirl: well guess what...
factgirl: now they are doing skating with celebrities!
Sis: oooh is that what that story about Todd Bridges is about?
factgirl: yes!!!!!!!!!!
Sis: that is koo koo
factgirl: I KNOW
factgirl: delicious
Sis: next it'll be Pooping with the Popular!

A Special Poem (no poker)

A mosquito can be a little bitey.

A mojito will blur your sighty.














A burrito will make your nighty too tighty.









The End.

This will make HDouble Either Laugh or Cry

Ok I just want to admit something right up front - just put it out there so there is no confusion: I am a poker neophyte. True story.

I know just enough to play premium hands before the flop. Now I'm working on position issues. I have a LOT of post flop work to do. So one can imagine how eagerly I await the blog wisdom of my superiors every week. I love The Cards Speak, It is everything this blog is not. It's serious, solemn, and knows what the heck its talking about.

So a couple weeks back I'm reading TCS and playing in a $5 sng at Pokerstars. The lesson of the day is...well I cant remember - I think it was Information Asymmetry in Poker. The post started with a Benjamin Disraeli quote and it was so deep it required reading with one's full attention - not while playing said sng, yelling at kids, folding laundry and drinking a martini.

While I was playing I lost a huge hand and was suddenly made into the short stackiest short stack in the world. I kept reading - hoping to learn something about poker before the end of the sng and skimmed a passage about Q7 being the best hand ever against any random mystery hand.

Well guess what I got delt next! You guessed it - Q7! I was so excited because I was against one other player and he had a RANDOM MYSTERY HAND! I went all in of course and the guy quick called (not realizing I had the nuts) and we flipped them over. The guy had KK and I was laughing to myself as the flop came: QQ4. The river and turn could not save the poor soul and I doubled up. I went on to win the entire tournament. Thanks HDouble!

Factgirl Recommends: Things to Eat

As my name implies, there are many many facts about me. One fact about me is that I have beautiful feet. I totally could have been a foot model. Another fact is that I love to eat every day.

Here are some food products I endorse - listed alphabetically so you can print and save for future reference or your scrapbook.

Barbecued Ribs - Eating ribs makes me weep for the poor dumb vegetarians of the world.

Diet Coke with Lime - Sounds gross huh? It is. But I can't stop drinking it.

Fried Calamari - Squid love to make us happy by jumping into fishing boats and being whisked off to Italian restaurants. From there, they leap into deep fryers, sacrificing their lives for our appetizers. Thanks squid!

Manwich Sloppy Joes - Sweet, savory and meatier than a Carrot Top photo shoot (ew!), there is no better way to get that school cafeteria smell into your kitchen than Manwich.

Peach Snapple Diet Iced Tea - If I blindfolded you and gave you this you wouldn't know it was diet. While you taste this tea I can also steal your wallet and stick a kick me sign on your back. Sucker.

Peanut Sweet and Salty Nut Bars - So yummy... Don't eat the Almond Flavor though. It is so yucky it will make you die.

Now here are some foods you must avoid if you want to be in my secret club:

Dr. Pepper - Invented in Waco, Texas. Waco. W A C O. I don't eat stuff from Waco. Especially stuff that tastes like satan poop like Dr Pepper does.

Dr. Pepper Flavored Jelly Bellys - OK lets say you were sitting at home on your porch and you wanted something that tasted like satan poop. You could go to the old ice box and grab yourself a Dr Pepper. But what if you wanted all that devily poop taste, but you wanted it to LOOK like bunny poop. Well, pervert, its your lucky day because here is your dream snack.

Mr. Pibb - Mr. Pibb rounds out the Manson Family of refreshment. I wish I were some kinda food judge so I could put this sad mix of carbonated corn syrup into soda prison forever.

Stay tuned for more things I recommend.

SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!

--begin IM Chat Transcript--

factgirl: SNAKES ON A PLANE
Sis: wha?
factgirl: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES
factgirl: on a
factgirl: PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Sis: I even read the blurb and I don't get it
factgirl: its a real movie they are making with Samuel L Jackson
Sis: nope. nuthin
factgirl: check it out
factgirl: Flying is scary, see?
factgirl: and snakes are totally scary and awesome, see?
factgirly: put them together and what do you got?
Sis: oooooh
factgirly: BEST
factgirl: MOVIE
factgirl: EVER
Sis: hehe
Sis: scary
factgirly: we need more scary stuff movies - like SCORPIONS AT THE DENTIST
Sis: Hypodermic Needles at the Really Big Speech
factgirl: BLACK WIDOWS IN THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE
factgirl: GORILLAS IN THE MIST
factgirl: wait
Sis: scaaary
factgirl: how about CLOWNS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Sis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

--end IM Chat Transcript--

So, How Was Your Weekend, Facty?

Well, thank you for asking!

This past weekend I was lucky enough to take a Las Vegas trip with my mom and two sisters - no husbands or children. It was pretty great. We stayed in the newly-opened tower at Caesars Palace and it was gorgeous.

I got a chance to steal away and play a little poker over at The Aladdin. Session one was a lot of fun - it was about 8 PM and they were just opening up a 3-6 table. I convinced my novice sister that she would be fine and staked her half a buy-in so she'd come with me. We had a friendly table and I left about 2 hours later up 30 bucks.

The next morning I slipped out back to The Aladdin - again 3-6 where there were about 7 old fellas that had been playing all night. Again I had fun there was one hand where I got check raised on the turn by a geezer and folded reluctantly. "Do you have a pocket pair?" I asked. He flipped over 55. I felt pretty cool and ended that 2 hour session up 58 bucks. (side note: walking back to your hotel room after winning at poker is a great feeling)

I took my mom and sisters over to the Excaliber for the 2PM poker lesson. They really enjoyed it and after the lesson the table turns into a 1-3 spread limit game. I tried to set a tight aggressive example while watching my mom a littlest sis showdown with worst hand after worst hand and rebuy and rebuy and rebuy.... Middle sis got the hang though and made a modest profit and was itching to play again. Who am I to turn her down?

This brings us to our final and dramatic poker session. So dramatic, in fact, that it will be presented in two acts. Enjoy.

Act One: Ace Queen is a Fine Hand to Raise With, Dammit.

Back at the 3-6. Its a friendly game and everyone is having a great time I'm in the #2 seat, There is a Korean guy to my right, the check raising geezer from the morning game to my left, LA sunglass Asian kid, a few more generic people and the off duty dealer (lets call him Cosmo).

So we're rolling along, I'm playing my game, doing just fine. The button had just passed me and I was dealt AhQd. A bunch of people limp in and I raise. "Hey you raise my blind?" teases Cosmo. I shrug and smile and he calls. Everyone calls. The flop is AQ6 and I bet. I bet and bet and bet until the river and when I turn over my AQ Cosmo shouts "you raised with ace queen?!?!?" The whole table laughs like I had raised with 83 "They weren't even SUITED!!!" the Korean guy snorts. LA Asian sunglasses guy leans over and says "Yeah. I know what you were doing, but when you raise at this level you aren't going to chase anybody off. You should just limp with ace queen."

Looking back and reviewing my play, I don't think I did anything wrong in that hand. Just because I wasn't going to chase anyone off doesn't mean its a mistake to raise. In fact, with my raise, many people made the mistake of calling, which works in my favor. I want them to call and build the pot and showdown their marginal hands while I play my strong ones with raises. Right? Right???

But I let it get to me. It changed my play. I started limping with hands I normally would have played strongly. I check called and lost my aggression. The only thing I did right after that was to get up before my chip stack got too low. But still.

Act Two: Cosmo Learns a Lesson

So Cosmo was, as I mentioned, an off duty Aladdin dealer. He lost about 100 bucks at my table, then decided to go play the 2-4 game. Unlike my table, this game was not so friendly. Some surly college kids were playing like they were at the final table at the WSOP, all intense, with their ballcaps and sunglasses and ipods.

This is so not Cosmo's style, he is there to have some fun. So he starts live-straddling and playing really loose. Finally he is in a big blind and a surly kid raises. "Hey you raise my blind?" he laughs and calls blind. The flop is 5Q4. Cosmo check calls - still not looking at his cards. Turn is an 8. check call. River is an A. check call. The kid throws down AA for a set. You know whats coming don't you?

Cosmo turns over 23 for a straight.

The kids goes KEEE-RAY-ZEEE. He makes such a commotion other tables are pausing to watch. He accuses the dealer of being a mechanic. The dealer takes great offense to this and calls over a floor manager and has the kid removed from the poker room. The kid goes to the Casino Management Office and fills out a complaint against Cosmo! So Cosmo is suspended from work for two days pending an investigation.

After that, the fun was over. All the dealers were cranky and distracted. We bid the Aladdin adieu, and went back to the room to sleep.

We all learned an important lesson that day; poker is a fun game.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand roll credits.


OK just for you who read this whole thing - The directors cut includes one more little story about Cosmo. I was talking to him after the whole incident and he suddenly said "hey, weren't you here about a month ago with your husband and you raise his blind?" Turns out Cosmo was our dealer last month when I tried to steal fhwrdh's bb and he fought back by playing the rest of the hand blind - and winning.

Dear Joe Speaker

I made you a chart for your blog. It is so scientific, it even has a margin of error!

your pal, Facty

I'm Quittin' My Job and Going Pro!

Ok not really. But guess what you guys...

Today I played in the $1 No Limit Special at Paradise Poker and I won 4th place! Out of 900+ people! 58 bucks!

If I do that 175 more times, there's my buy-in for next years WSOP.

Las Vegas 2005 Parts 1-3

Part One: First Class

First things first: All Las Vegas Trip Reports should start with Mingus

"Honey, there's something... I... I just want a little..." I could hear my husband swallow the tangy bar-b-q sauce of fear on the other end of the phone. He was at work and I was at home packing for our trip and getting the house ready for grandma babysitter.

"I just would really love it if I could have a surprise for my birthday."

My husband fhwrdh and I go to Las Vegas every year for our wedding anniversary (7/7) and my birthday (7/9). These trips have been a great time for us to relax, recharge and have fun adventures together without the kids. I was excited about this year.

"A surprise? What kind of surprise?"

In 2003 we stayed at the Las Vegas Hilton, saw Penn & Teller and dined at Bradley Ogden (more on this excellent restaurant later). 2004 found us at the Venetian, dining at AquaKnox (wonderful seafood) and Bouchon (chef Thomas Keller of French Laundry) and dipping my toe into the world of live poker at Excaliber.

This year I had a list of stuff I wanted to do:
1.Stay at the Bellagio and compare it to the Venetian ( I love snooty lodging!)
2.Eat at Bradley Ogden again (I love expensive food!)
3.Get a birthday surprise from fhwrdh
4.Go check out the World Series of Poker
5.Find Dr Pauly and thank him for his great writing
6.Play more poker

"I don't know - something romantic. It doesn't have to be huge - just a surprise."

The morning of our trip I woke up with a head cold. I felt groggy and sneezy and sleepy all at once - half the seven dwarfs instead of my princess self. My luck took a turn for the better when I used web check-in for our flight and was offered an upgrade to first class. Woo hoo!

First class is pretty great. You get a big seat, a pillow, all the free drinks you can pound, and your own video screen. I slept through the entire flight - which is good anyway because any girl who writes this dramatically can't be a good flyer. (yes, white knuckles, but I suck it up)

"um... shhhuuuure."

Part Dos: The Bellagio

You can skip this whole part if you don't care what I think of the Bellagio .

The Bellagio's very best feature (not counting the poker room) is located at the front desk. The ceiling is beautiful and covered in glass sculpture echoing a mille fiore. The front desk personnel were helpful but I think the little gal was giving my man the eye. She was all "Hey, you're from Los Angeles? I'M from Los Angeles!" I said "Wow, what a small world!" but I was really thinking was "Get your own geek little girl, this one's mine!"

The room was well decorated but much smaller than the Venetian. Fhwrdh liked the decor better but he will choke on his Dr Pepper once he sees this scientific chart:



So you see, though both hotels are snooty and ideally located, the Venetian is the winner of the better room contest. Bellagio had one thing better about it - they have a poker room and there were many famous poker players milling around.

I decided to take a nap so fh went down to check out the poker downstairs. Bellagio's sheets were 180 thread count (I personally don't put under 300 thread count on my beds) and I slept fitfully - almost as if someone had placed a pea under the mattress...

I was starving hungry so I got up after two hours and headed down to the poker room to find fh - who looked so sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I've been watching all this time and they just called my name for a seat."

poor fhwrdh.*


Part Three: Poker at Excaliber - Bleh

The Excalibur has the lowest limit game on the strip, friendly dealers, a carbtastic buffet, and the worst players ever. But even the worst players draw to a hand now and then so fh was getting mad.

Fh was tilting like the Tower of Pisa - even with his tight aggressive game he was left with a small stack when hand after hand went to rivered miracles for the dead-eyed hicks at the table. He finally went all in and busted out. As he left the table I heard him mutter "I'm going to a table where people fold."

I hung in there with the Fedex pilot to my left and the Arizona pretty girl to my right. Finally I was down 20 bucks - holding steady but getting bored. I found fh and we called it a night.

Sorry, no hand histories - I'm not trying to make you throw up - just lull you to sleep.

*note: I am a very good wife and totally offered to rail-bird him while he took the available seat but he is a very good husband who wouldn't hear of me going hungry while he played. just so ya know I'm not a torturer

Up Next: Parts 4-6 in which we go to the WSOP, play poker and I get my birthday surprise (stay tuned, it's a doozy!)

Factgirl Reviews: Herbie Fully Loaded

(with guest contributor Hellcat)

Yesterday was a day packed with awesome social events, first Jelly had a birthday party that left him sunburned, exhausted (from swimming for four hours straight) and with a fierce sugar hangover. Then, Helly and I went with another mother daughter team to the movies.

When attending the cinema, I have found a few things most affect my enjoyment of the entire experience:

seat selection - I like to get to the theater about 30 minutes before showtime to ensure a prime seat in the center/forward of the house. Some people think the prime real estate is in the center/rear but beware, that area is filled with elderly people who talk all the way through the movie. Sitting in the front with the teens might seem scary at first, but rest assured, they make fun of the commercials and previews, but sttle down quickly once the credits roll.

concession purchase and distribution - Sometimes when you go to the movies with people you don't know very well, they may encourage you to deviate from the traditional popcorn, candy, coke trifecta. Hold fast and do not be swayed by the movie dogs and nachos and pretzels. They taste like licking the floor. drinks should be placed in the cup holder furthest from your seat mate unless you are sharing, leaving an empty cup holder between you. This is where the m&ms or sour patch kids go for sharing. Popcorn should be passed back and forth and then thrown on the floor when you are done.

movie friend - some people who are terrible to go to the movies with: fhwrdh (cranky, bad knees, hates all movies and people) Jellyface (can't stop talking, jumps up and down, popcorn/drink spiller) Hellcat (doesn't know how to whisper, squirmy, needs to pee every 30 minutes). Some people who are good to go to the movies with: my sister (good inside joke recall, likes the same kind of movies as me, we're sisters so we can share diet coke) Priya (so quiet during the film, great to discuss the movie afterwards)

and finally...

the film - Notice this is last on the list. I like movies. No, I love them. There are few films I cant find something to like about - which brings me to the movie of the day:

Herbie: Fully Loaded

From the first squirt of motor oil into the face of a slimy junkyard owner you know this is going to be a ride down memory lane - straight into summer 1974! Yeah, school's out for the summer, you got your cut offs, your halter top, your bike with banana seat and monkey bars and your mom doesn't care what you do as long as you don't stand in front of the TV while All My Children is on and you don't touch the box of wine in the fridge (avocado).

Lindsey Lohan plays Dean Jones, the owner of the Love Bu... oh wait we can't call it the love bug anymore. why? Because there is no love in the 2000s. So if Herbie's not loaded with love, what is he loaded with? Hollywood rumor says that Herbie was loaded with a little too much Lohan and her distractingly huge chest had to be digitally ensmallend! Luckily, I don't need Lohan's ladies to enjoy a movie - though I found myself looking for signs of photoshop in most every frame.

I was so distracted by my boob-sleuthery that I might have lost track of the plot, but thankfully the awesome writers at Disney Studios had my back. Just as in the 1974 version, the plot of Herbie: the Love Bu...er Fully Loaded is girl meets car, girl fixes car up, girl doesn't appreciate what she has, girl loses car, girl gets car back.

The simple story is enhanced by a sassy feel good soundtrack with songs like Walkin' on Sunshine, More Than a Feelin', and Workin' for the Weekend. Really, if you wrote a song in the 1970-80s with a ' in place of a g, your royalty check should be arriving any day. Watch for it. Really.

Cameos included Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson and Dale Jarret. Buddy Hacket does not appear in this version because he died in 2003. Death doesn't keep Michael Keaton from playing Linsey's overprotective father - he has grown some excellent Nascar Facial Hair for the role thats almost worth a Google Image search. Not really.

In closing, let's ask six year old Miss Hellcat what she thought of this movie:

Mom: Helly, how did you like the movie?
Hellcat: It was stupid.
Mom: What about the girl?
Hellcat: She was so stupid.
Mom: How about that awesome soundtrack?
Hellcat: stupid.
Mom: How about the car? Wasn't the car cool?
Hellcat: *glare*
Mom:...
Hellcat: I never want to go to the movies again.

#fin#

Factgirl Reviews: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Poor Jen.

La la la lala

penguin.jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

You know what I love? Penguins eating ice cream.

Where Have All the Poker Bloggers Gone?

picture(72).jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

Dear Poker Bloggers,

How is it going in Las Vegas? Really? Wow thats terrific! You drank what? Oh my goodness! You are up how much? Awesome!

I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know how boring the internet is without your bloging. I've had to resort to reading actual books. Made of paper. with ink.

Come back safe and soon,
facty

Dun Dun Dun dundundun dun dundunnnnnn

darthgreer.jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

This is Darth Hellcat standing next to her Death Stove. As you can see, Helly has paired a lovely lavender frock with her Vader Mask, giving her an air of dark side dainty. Look carefully and see Auntie Storm Trooper's elbow and knee waiting patiently for the Master's orders!

Back to Normal (in facty-ality)

picture(19).jpg
Originally uploaded by fhwrdh.

Remember last post when I was feeling a bit off? I felt like the PTA ladies were talking behind my back and my poker game suddenly went south - and by south I mean my bankroll suddenly went from 90 bucks down to 12, yes, twelve bucks!

But guess what? I made it all back plus some. And the PTA ladies - they were talking about someone else. Rock!

The pic above is me (red hair, glasses) playing poker at the IHG the other night - scroll down if you want the low-down on that very fun night.

In other news, the blue jay that lived in our lemon tree out from got ripped up by a cat or mountain lion. Why this is sad, besides the fact that vegetarian fhwrdh had to pick the little corpse up with a garbage bag is that this was a cool little blue jay that came back every spring to build a nest in the lemon tree and lay eggs. It used to hop around the yard and look in our windows at us. When the kids would get too close to the lemon tree it would chase them away.

Goodbye scrappy little blue jay.

PS Cats suck

One of Those Days

Blue Sunshine Day
Originally uploaded by mattjb.

Ever have one of those days?

Back up, because one thing you need to know about me is that I have a naturally positive outlook on everything. I am so good at looking on the bright side, I have been asked to be a spokesmodel for the bright side and do infomercials. I am so sunny, people riding the bus with me have been literally blinded looking into my chromosphere. its true.

so the last couple of days something strange has been happening. First, my awesome and well documented skills at poker (I beat my mom, I beat my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh) have completely left me. All of a sudden I cant win a hand - even if I get A-Q!

Also, I have this weird feeling that I'm doing everything wrong. Like maybe thinking that I forgot something at home while I'm on my way somewhere. Or I am flaking on someone somewhere that I don't know. Or the PTA moms are just being nice to my face but talk shit behind my back.

One of those days.

But it is Friday. That's pretty cool. And Uchenna and Joyce won The Amazing Race - that rocked. And I did get that cool PTA award for my volunteering on Thursday. And my kids are cute. And fhwrdh is a good guy.

And poker is still fun even if I suck at it.

This message brought to you by The Bright Side. The optimist's friend since 1902.

Happy Moms Day

Happy Moms Day
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

My awsome skills at poker have been well documented here on this blog; I beat my mom, I beat my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh.

But did you listen? No, sir, you did not. So you had to pay. MWA HA AHA HA

The Game
Here's how the night went down: I finally got a babysitter and made it to lkim's infamous home game. As I slid my copy of Harrington on Hold Em into my bag I blinked my eyes real big like a frightened little deer and said "Now you boys might have to remind me of the betting and rules."

I was seated at table 1 seat 1 (out of 3 tables and 24 seats), fhwrdh was way across the room at table 3. This would have been fine if my whole "*blink* *blink* I don't know much about poker *blink* routine hadn't been sabotaged when fhwrdh called to me "facty, how ya doin?" and I replied - "bout even - stole the blinds once but thats it" oops!

The Boat
So I sit and I fold and I wait for the cards to come and I wait and I wait and the folding feels like its never going to stop when all of a sudden KQo. Best cards I've seen all afternoon. I raise. "Last hand before the break!" lkim announces. One caller. Here comes the flop: K Q K. Hey, I think to myself, I bet that's the nuts right there. so I check. Other player min bets. I call. The turn is a 6 I check and call another min bet. River is a 10. I check again and the other player goes all in. I call - he shows an Ace high straight - I was so excited that I SLAPPED my cards down on the table. (I really am not the type of person who rubs peoples nose in their defeat but I was stoked). A loud whoop went out through the room and shouts of "How ya like my boat, BITCH" went up as I doubled up to assume my rightful place as Your Chip Leader. It was pretty awesome.

During the break I called home to my beautiful babysitter to ask her if she could stay a little later than planned - after a little convincing she said yes (thank you thank you Miss!).

The Hammer
I only remember 2 other hands that night. Number one where I was delt The Hammer so I raised (fhwrdh said that if I want to be a real poker blogger I have to raise, win and show The Hammer). I bet super aggressively and pushed the stand up comic next to me off his small pair. I flashed my hand to pokergeek and I think he was proud of me... or was that terror in his eyes?

Fin
The other hand I remember is my last - it was just after the Editor suggested we chop because we were down to 1st, 2nd and 3rd and I needed to get back to the kids. We ended up playing more and the next hand was the end for me. It wasn't a bad beat, and I didn't feel like I made an error - I had KTc and I called an all in thinking BC next to me probably had a small pair. He did - 7s and we flopped turned and rivered and they held up. I was crippled. I took 3rd and kept my own bounty (5 bucks) and was happy with how it all went.

I had a great time, got to play my awesome poker and met some great people. lkim is the best host ever.

But wait! The night's not over!

We got home and our kids and lovely babysitter had baked the brownies pictured above. See now? That's the real reason you shouldn't play cards with me... because I am the luckiest mom in the world.

Medium

inkblot
Originally uploaded by brightside.

I am falling behind on my television viewing due to my awesome power at online poker (I am missing Lost right this minute but how can I leave when I'm up 6 bucks?) Anyway, I was just thinking that one show that I love is Medium. It stars Patricia Arquette, who I love for the fact that she has a normal womans body - she looks like a real person plus her teeth are cool like David Bowie. It also has some other cast members who are really good.

The thing that really draws me back every week though is the opening credit montage. Even if you aren't a TV watcher I encourage you to tune in for the title sequence. They start with a Rorschach test looking kaleidoscope with some other images sprinkled here and there and the music accentuates the eeriness. The way they set the tome for the show in such an artful way is very Saul Bass - and yet a teeny bit 1975 Monday night mystery.

I just want to warn you though, there is one thing about the show that may be off-putting to some (yet thrilling to others) is that the husband walks around in boxer shorts and a t-shirt a lot - which is fine mind you, he is good looking but...but... you can totally see the outline of his weiner. Its a little distracting.

ahem.

So what else is new - Hellcat is better with the double ear infection and strep and pink eye.

I had to go get a crown on my tooth. Let me tell you something. Crowns belong on Princess heads not teeth.

Hey Nerd!

Flickr Peep Show
Originally uploaded by Look at my photos.

Enjoy your new hobby.

Seige of Sniffles: Day 4

Jellyface is feeling better but yesterday Hellcat took a turn for the worse. We had picked Jelly up from school and stopped by the market because I'm totally out of frozen pizza, wine and coffee. Halfway through the trip Helly goes "my ear is hurting", it was not ten minutes later before the girl was pale, feverish and in excruciating pain.

I rushed the kids home called the doc - no appointments until Friday. So I gave Helly the only medicine I had that looked like it might help; some kinda Triaminic with Tylonol. Then I put her into a bath. Suddenly, she looks up at me in a panic and mouths silently "help I can't breathe" sure enough her lips are turning blue - she really can't breathe!

So I scoop her out of the tub and rub her really fast with a towel and say "You can breathe! You can breathe!" and suddenly she takes a LOUD breath of air. Man I was so realieved I just hugged her and hugged her.

Woo how dramatic!

So I took her to the doctor this morning and she was a trooper. He told her she had massive infections in both ears, a red thoat and *gasp* pink eye. Her face may just fall off unless her little nose stays healthy. The breathing thing was because her fever broke.

So the eyedrops are 50 bucks and the non-generic Antibiotic was 100 bucks and she still doesn't feel better. Plus she decided she hates getting drops in her eyes. Now I would just love to tell her "aw honey ok, if you don't like the drops we'll just skip them" Like June Cleaver, but dude, those drops were 50 BUCKS! Unless Miss baby can reimburse me for a seafood dinner at a moderatly priced chain restaurant SHE IS GETTIN THE DAMN DROPS!

This is one area where my children differ - Jelly I had to wrestle to the floor and sit on to administer medicine - Helly I just have to play her special chess game of drama until she says uncle. Luckily I INVENTED THAT GAME 30 YEARS AGO! MWA HA HA ! (don't tell her till shes grown out of this phase ok?)

In other news: my fhwrdh brought me kit kats even though he feels like crap. That is reason #1,355,827 why I love him.

Epidemic: Day 2

IMG_3640.JPG
Originally uploaded by theslinky.

Last week I had a totally sore throat. Now my sinuses hurt.

Yesterday Jellyface had a bad sore throat and the sniffles. At school one of the teachers said she had the Whooping cough! That is bullcrap of course - no one gets the whooping cough. She probably had consumption or dropsy.

Now little Hellcat has the sniffles and sore throat. So now I have both kids home from school and they are making messes everywhere. Plus they are filling up the tivo with some of the worst shows ever - like Ed, Edd, and Eddie and Billy and Mandy (sorry Juli H, but your show sucks ass - no offense). There just better be room on Tivo for my Lost and Revelations episodes tonight or those kids are punished!

Wow I don't even feel like eating chocolate right now.

So what else...My hair looks great today - of course because I can't go anywhere to show it off.

Factgirl Reviews: Play Without Words

Play Without Words
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

It was Christmas, 2004 and we were gathered with family to chow our Christmas turkey (or ham, I really can't recall). We opened our presents a lo, what to my watering eyes should appear, but season tickets to the Ahmanson!

Every evening has been really fun, with stand out performances of Little Shop of Horrors and Caroline or Change, but the most excellent show of all is the current Play Without Words.

First of all, you should know, it includes dancing. In fact, it's all dancing. the entire narrative is told through - gulp - dance. But this is no ordinary Nutcracker, no no !

Its the story of 1960's Rich Guy, who dances his way through buying a big house, hiring a frisky maid and gay butler, making out with his chic girlfriend, making out with his frisky maid, and other great plot twists which I wont give away here. Suffice it to say the story is compelling.

Even more compelling is the choreography. Matthew Bourne cast each character with three dancers - who all dance at the same time. This not only adds to the visual fun, but also serves the story very well, sometimes illustrating what a character feels as opposed to his actions.

The sets and stage direction sometimes bring to mind a cool Shag painting or an episode of Hullabaloo. They round out this funny, sexy, smart treat of a night out.

I recommend it heartily for adults who like doing stuff.

Factgirl rating: 10 out of 10 Morton's Honey Buns

Bonnie Franklin Loves to Tap!

bonniefranklin
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Dear Bonnie,

Girl, I totally know where you are coming from. I hate to exercise too! The gym is smelly and foot fungus growing everywhere and those skinny bitches with their dumb water bottles - they will bump into you with them just to give you a cellulite bruise so watch out!

You know what I love to do? Play poker. One reason for my love of poker is how excellent at it I am. As previously mentioned I beat my mom and my dad and almost beat fhwrdh, but what I didn't mention is that one time I came in second at a real tournament with MEN playing. Its true!

Hey remember when you were playing Ann Romano and you used to have the theme song... This is it! This is life, the only one we get so lets have a ball.. And Schneider! OMG he was so funny with the cigs in the shirtsleeve and the moustache!

Anyway, back to poker. So I made a poker blog and it has received over 4 hits! I know - pretty awesome. I even got invited to a poker blogger poker night at a real casino! I was flyin on top of the world when "Aw snap! I have tickets to a cerebral night at the theater Saturday night!" I always have bad luck like that. Oh well. I will Blog part Deux of my Complete Poker Tutorial and If it is well received maybe I'll get invited out again with the poker bloggers.

Anyway, girlfriend I gotta go think about ordering dinner for the kids, so I am outies. Say hi to Val and Mac for me!

Keep Tappin!
-Facty

So Happy It's Thursday!

Rawk! It's frickin Thursday people! My favorite day of the week.

a-one o'clock, a-two-hoo o'clock, a-thrrrree o'clock *crunch* thrrrrree!

ball_clock
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Hey Mister Owl, check out my Tootsie Pop Nelson Clock!

Modern accessories have never been so inexpensive (and yummy!)

Design w/o Reach

yum

yum

Butterfly Invasion: Day 11

butterfly graveyard
Originally uploaded by jamie h.

The Great Butterfly Invasion of 2005 is nearly over but new information is still coming out about this fearsome predator: it seems the rabid insects that have clogged our skyways for the past week and a half turn out to be not Monarchs, but the even more deadly Painted Lady Butterflies.

Painted Ladies are swarming from Northern Mexico through Southern California because they thirst for the ritalin-rich blood of our innocent children (and the heavy rainfall this winter made for lush hiding spaces).

Scroll down for tips on what to do if you encounter a butterfly and take inventory of your emergency supplies.

Girl Scout cookies!

Clarifications

Many of you have written in to ask "Facty, what qualifications do you have to write your Complete Poker Tutorial?". (well ok, no one wrote in but fhwrdh did give me the stink eye when I told him I was going to blog about poker).

Well last night I just so happened to have won a poker game. I beat my mom and my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh! So I wanted to share my gift with the world. I'm a giver. Its how I roll. Is that so very wrong mister fhwrdh (if that is your real name)?

That's what I thought.

Factgirl's Complete Poker Tutorial

"Son, I've made a life out of readin' people's faces, and knowin' what their cards were by he way they held their eyes." Kenny Rogers, "The Gambler"

Kenny Rogers was right - reading people is important in the game of poker. Just as important, though, is to be very aware that whilst you are reading your opponents they are reading you! (Also the hand rankings and betting rules are important but we will get to those at a later date.) Today's tutorial subject is:

Table Image

Table image begins before you even set foot on a poker table. Sit back and imagine yourself right now playing a hand. How do you look? Are the other players respecting your raises? Are any hot ladies sweating* you?

The first thing to do is determine your personal style. See if you identify with any of these:

-be old, beloved and wear a white cowboy hat. be from Texas.
-grow very tall. use your mild manner to become the Principal of Poker.
-wear creepy hologram glasses and carry bones in your pockets.
-grow you hair totally long and wear black. ballroom dance.
-sign many endorsement deals. throw tantrums and be a prick.
-make rockin gold brass knuckles with your name on them. be British.

Do any of these appeal to you? Yes? Too bad, they're taken, but don't fret, you still have hope. Just follow this recipe.

1.Choose a hat. Poker players across the globe agree, one of the beginners best investments is a hat with a substantial brim. Hats can be trucker, baseball, cowboy, or even a Mexican sombrero. If possible, pick a hat with a witty poker saying, such as "I got the Nuts!!!" or "Poker Stud" so people know you are serious enough to invest in true poker gear.

2.Sunglasses are a must. I cannot stress this enough. Now that many casinos are non-smoking, sunglasses are the only way to have that hip Hollywood image we poker players admire and respect. Warning: the only brand to avoid is Oakley. Oakleys are for dorks only (unless you can slice my head off with a playing card - then you can pull off Oakleys).

3.Apple iPod. Poker players only love one thing more than poker and drinks and snacks and buffets, and that is tunes. Tunes help us stay in the winning mindset. Some songs to preload before the big game: Bohemian Rhapsody, Eye of the Tiger, Another One Bites the Dust and Highway to Hell.

This should get your look started, but I know what you're thinking, "Facty, I look outstanding! But how shall I deport myself to inspire respect in my opponents?"

"Chill," I reply to you, "Just follow my three rules of table behavior. Check it out:"

Rule One: Bluff early, bluff often. Bluff bluff bluff. Make sure you show people your cards after a successful bluff and laugh in their stupid faces. Rub it in good! Keep bluffing a little more.

Rule Two: Develop a signature sound. Maybe shout "Bok bok!" every once in a while. Or snort through your nose really loudly. Whistle!

Rule Three: Chip tricks. Riffle them, shuffle them, flip them, spin them. Whatever you do, move your chips, and the louder the better!

Well, that should get you started on a winning poker career. Next time: Factgirl's Complete Poker Tutorial Part Two: The Rules of Texas Hold' Em


*sweating = watching you play and caring if you win or lose.

EMERGENCY!

fire
Originally uploaded by schadenfreude lola.

Today My sister and I took our kids to the The California Science Center. If you are grown up or don't live in LA, the Ca Sci Ctr is a big science museum in Exposition Park downtown. It has stuff to learn about recycling, alternative fuel sources, how your guts work, and whatnot.

We arrived late because right as we were walking out the door my nice neighbor came over to ask for some lemons. She is very nice and must love lemons. She maybe should think of planting her own lemon tree. I may take a sharpie and write PLANT ME on the side of a lemon and leave it by her door. Ooo that would be sad though if she opens the door and trips on it. I better light it on fire first so she's sure to see it!

Anyway, we were at the Science Center and the kids were learning about how remotes and flash bulbs and radios work when suddenly my sister says "hey I think thats the fire alarm!". Sure enough there is a strobe light on the wall going crazy and a faint little beeep beeep beeep . Then a Fembot Robo-voice came on the intercom "Attention. A fire has been reported in the building. Please exit the building."

Now I have been in a few malls and public areas when a fire alarm goes off and I am always amazed at what happens. People hear the alarm, then confirm visually that the alarm is going off. Then they tell a friend or child or someone near them "hey the fire alarm is going off". Then they stand there like idiots or go back to what they are doing. This is why people die in horrific fires and balcony collapses and all that.

Not my sister and me though. We are survivors! We calmly herded our kids out of the building. Then we complimented them on their excellent survival skills. Then we yelled at Jelly for screaming "RUN EVERYBODY THERE IS A BAD FIRE IN THE BUILDING! SAVE YOURSELVES! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!" Then we went over to the flame-free Natural History Museum to check out the freaky Megamouth Shark and Coelacanth.

Oh yeah then on the way home we saw this guy whose car was on fire and he was just sitting there but right in front of us was an army man (or marine or whatever) and he pulled up and got the guy out of his car and helped him. The guy whose car was on fire had a man bag and I started laughing my head off. I love Man Bags. Go Kel Night!!!!

Pop Rocks and Coke baby!

Los Angeles Butterfly Invasion: Day 6

flutterbys
Originally uploaded by kimyo.

Some Tips on Surviving the Los Angeles Butterfly Invasion of 2005

1. Stay indoors as much as possible. When moving from indoors to outside, squeeze through the smallest crack in the door you can fit through to prevent butterflies from entering your home.

2. At mealtimes, rinse plate, cups, and silverware to remove any butterfly excrement and the carcasses of expired insects. You will be suprised at how much better your meatloaf will taste!

3. Never put a Monarch down the garbage disposal. Always scrape them into the
trash - double bagged if possible.

4. To protect children from the Monarchs deadly sting, spray them with a triple guard pest repellent containing Malathion or DDT.

5. Keep children away from the Monarch's second favorite food (next to human flesh) fresh fruit.

6. Place water-soaked rolled up towels at the base of bedroom doors before going to sleep to keep Monarchs from slipping in.

7. Start neighborhood butterfly patrols with neighbors.

Good Luck Angelinos!

also I love chocolate

So Happy Its Thursday!

beer sign
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Thursday is my favorite day of the week. Why? This is something I have tried to introspect on for years now.

At first I thought it was because Thursday is planning day for the weekend. Call a few friends, see whats up, wanna hang out tomorrow night and watch movies? We goin over to Cara's later? right on. She did what? No she di-int! No way! Well I'm not going then. You can go without me. Psyche! I'm totally going! See that is a full Thursday phone conversation right there.

Then I realized that some of the best TV has always been on Thursday nights (this was way before must see TV you whippersnapper). Charlie's Angels!

So today is Thursday and I have been feelin good all day. Spring in my step. Total blog redesign. Laundry almost done (ok not really but I don't care). The kids are barely even on my nerves! Plus Survivor and The Apprentice are on tonight and I have awesome plans for tomorrow night.

Chocolate Kisses!

Rosie

Rosie
Originally uploaded by davidburn.

Complete blog redesign and the things barely a week old! this morning I received the devastating news that I had the same blog design as Rosie O'Donnell.

Nothing against Rosie, mind you! She is fine with me with the gun control and the kid adopting and the lesbiening and all.

But seriously, now, don't you think I need something a little more unique? Me too.

This design is from Eris Designs (see button at right) and their super duper template generator. Its called "My Favorite Scarf". Rosie, if you are reading this, you pick another one ok? Lets be unique and special snowflakes together.

My Friend's Friend

orange dahlia
Originally uploaded by debaird.

Our family friend (lets call him "Damon") made a new friend (let's call her "Priya") and this weekend past they stopped by. I was so nervous to meet her (I'm really good at meeting people but still get twitchy when I care if they like me - and I was because I did).

So she came over...

and...

and...

She was GREAT! Pretty and smart and fun and funny and girly and calm and wonderful with the kids and had a beautiful smile and a lovely laugh and she's not stingy about using them! Even though she was sleepy and just wanted a nap she made excellent small talk and I thought the world of her.

I can't wait until we can all get together again.

/end gush

In other news I ate too much chocolate tonight.

A deadly swarm of Monarch Butterflies has invaded Los Angeles

a butterfly...a wild butterfly
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

If you live in LA you have seen them, or maybe one landed on you while you were coming out of your botox appointment or one might have crawled cutely between your implants while you lunched on the westside. Most of us chose to smack into them with our SUVs on the 101, 10 or 405 freeways.

stupid butterflies.

In other news, I took Hellcat and Jellyface to the zoo today. All the animals were sitting around doing nothing. there was one deer-type-thing with very long horns that stood there for a sec before he laid down - that was the highlight. Even the chimps just sat there staring. Did you know that poking the animals with a stick to get them to entertain your kids is not allowed? ITS TRUE! Also no straws. that is probably to keep the animals from doing any emergency tracheotomy on each other.

Speaking of emergency tracheotomies, never choke in front of my parents. They did their EMT training a really long time ago and have been waiting over 30 years to hook someone up with a trache. You will barely give the universal sign of choking and my mom will be taking apart a ball-point pen and my dad will be sterilizing his pocket knife with his lighter. Heimlich-schmeimlich!

You know what is so good? chocolate covered pretzels.

Hello World

I wanted a blog (or as I like to call it bdiary) for a long time. now i have one. lucky me! lucky you too. lucky us one and all!

time for a cocktail. and a snack. and a nap.