This will make HDouble Either Laugh or Cry

Ok I just want to admit something right up front - just put it out there so there is no confusion: I am a poker neophyte. True story.

I know just enough to play premium hands before the flop. Now I'm working on position issues. I have a LOT of post flop work to do. So one can imagine how eagerly I await the blog wisdom of my superiors every week. I love The Cards Speak, It is everything this blog is not. It's serious, solemn, and knows what the heck its talking about.

So a couple weeks back I'm reading TCS and playing in a $5 sng at Pokerstars. The lesson of the day is...well I cant remember - I think it was Information Asymmetry in Poker. The post started with a Benjamin Disraeli quote and it was so deep it required reading with one's full attention - not while playing said sng, yelling at kids, folding laundry and drinking a martini.

While I was playing I lost a huge hand and was suddenly made into the short stackiest short stack in the world. I kept reading - hoping to learn something about poker before the end of the sng and skimmed a passage about Q7 being the best hand ever against any random mystery hand.

Well guess what I got delt next! You guessed it - Q7! I was so excited because I was against one other player and he had a RANDOM MYSTERY HAND! I went all in of course and the guy quick called (not realizing I had the nuts) and we flipped them over. The guy had KK and I was laughing to myself as the flop came: QQ4. The river and turn could not save the poor soul and I doubled up. I went on to win the entire tournament. Thanks HDouble!

Factgirl Recommends: Things to Eat

As my name implies, there are many many facts about me. One fact about me is that I have beautiful feet. I totally could have been a foot model. Another fact is that I love to eat every day.

Here are some food products I endorse - listed alphabetically so you can print and save for future reference or your scrapbook.

Barbecued Ribs - Eating ribs makes me weep for the poor dumb vegetarians of the world.

Diet Coke with Lime - Sounds gross huh? It is. But I can't stop drinking it.

Fried Calamari - Squid love to make us happy by jumping into fishing boats and being whisked off to Italian restaurants. From there, they leap into deep fryers, sacrificing their lives for our appetizers. Thanks squid!

Manwich Sloppy Joes - Sweet, savory and meatier than a Carrot Top photo shoot (ew!), there is no better way to get that school cafeteria smell into your kitchen than Manwich.

Peach Snapple Diet Iced Tea - If I blindfolded you and gave you this you wouldn't know it was diet. While you taste this tea I can also steal your wallet and stick a kick me sign on your back. Sucker.

Peanut Sweet and Salty Nut Bars - So yummy... Don't eat the Almond Flavor though. It is so yucky it will make you die.

Now here are some foods you must avoid if you want to be in my secret club:

Dr. Pepper - Invented in Waco, Texas. Waco. W A C O. I don't eat stuff from Waco. Especially stuff that tastes like satan poop like Dr Pepper does.

Dr. Pepper Flavored Jelly Bellys - OK lets say you were sitting at home on your porch and you wanted something that tasted like satan poop. You could go to the old ice box and grab yourself a Dr Pepper. But what if you wanted all that devily poop taste, but you wanted it to LOOK like bunny poop. Well, pervert, its your lucky day because here is your dream snack.

Mr. Pibb - Mr. Pibb rounds out the Manson Family of refreshment. I wish I were some kinda food judge so I could put this sad mix of carbonated corn syrup into soda prison forever.

Stay tuned for more things I recommend.

SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!

--begin IM Chat Transcript--

factgirl: SNAKES ON A PLANE
Sis: wha?
factgirl: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES
factgirl: on a
factgirl: PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Sis: I even read the blurb and I don't get it
factgirl: its a real movie they are making with Samuel L Jackson
Sis: nope. nuthin
factgirl: check it out
factgirl: Flying is scary, see?
factgirl: and snakes are totally scary and awesome, see?
factgirly: put them together and what do you got?
Sis: oooooh
factgirly: BEST
factgirl: MOVIE
factgirl: EVER
Sis: hehe
Sis: scary
factgirly: we need more scary stuff movies - like SCORPIONS AT THE DENTIST
Sis: Hypodermic Needles at the Really Big Speech
factgirl: BLACK WIDOWS IN THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE
factgirl: GORILLAS IN THE MIST
factgirl: wait
Sis: scaaary
factgirl: how about CLOWNS IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE
Sis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

--end IM Chat Transcript--

So, How Was Your Weekend, Facty?

Well, thank you for asking!

This past weekend I was lucky enough to take a Las Vegas trip with my mom and two sisters - no husbands or children. It was pretty great. We stayed in the newly-opened tower at Caesars Palace and it was gorgeous.

I got a chance to steal away and play a little poker over at The Aladdin. Session one was a lot of fun - it was about 8 PM and they were just opening up a 3-6 table. I convinced my novice sister that she would be fine and staked her half a buy-in so she'd come with me. We had a friendly table and I left about 2 hours later up 30 bucks.

The next morning I slipped out back to The Aladdin - again 3-6 where there were about 7 old fellas that had been playing all night. Again I had fun there was one hand where I got check raised on the turn by a geezer and folded reluctantly. "Do you have a pocket pair?" I asked. He flipped over 55. I felt pretty cool and ended that 2 hour session up 58 bucks. (side note: walking back to your hotel room after winning at poker is a great feeling)

I took my mom and sisters over to the Excaliber for the 2PM poker lesson. They really enjoyed it and after the lesson the table turns into a 1-3 spread limit game. I tried to set a tight aggressive example while watching my mom a littlest sis showdown with worst hand after worst hand and rebuy and rebuy and rebuy.... Middle sis got the hang though and made a modest profit and was itching to play again. Who am I to turn her down?

This brings us to our final and dramatic poker session. So dramatic, in fact, that it will be presented in two acts. Enjoy.

Act One: Ace Queen is a Fine Hand to Raise With, Dammit.

Back at the 3-6. Its a friendly game and everyone is having a great time I'm in the #2 seat, There is a Korean guy to my right, the check raising geezer from the morning game to my left, LA sunglass Asian kid, a few more generic people and the off duty dealer (lets call him Cosmo).

So we're rolling along, I'm playing my game, doing just fine. The button had just passed me and I was dealt AhQd. A bunch of people limp in and I raise. "Hey you raise my blind?" teases Cosmo. I shrug and smile and he calls. Everyone calls. The flop is AQ6 and I bet. I bet and bet and bet until the river and when I turn over my AQ Cosmo shouts "you raised with ace queen?!?!?" The whole table laughs like I had raised with 83 "They weren't even SUITED!!!" the Korean guy snorts. LA Asian sunglasses guy leans over and says "Yeah. I know what you were doing, but when you raise at this level you aren't going to chase anybody off. You should just limp with ace queen."

Looking back and reviewing my play, I don't think I did anything wrong in that hand. Just because I wasn't going to chase anyone off doesn't mean its a mistake to raise. In fact, with my raise, many people made the mistake of calling, which works in my favor. I want them to call and build the pot and showdown their marginal hands while I play my strong ones with raises. Right? Right???

But I let it get to me. It changed my play. I started limping with hands I normally would have played strongly. I check called and lost my aggression. The only thing I did right after that was to get up before my chip stack got too low. But still.

Act Two: Cosmo Learns a Lesson

So Cosmo was, as I mentioned, an off duty Aladdin dealer. He lost about 100 bucks at my table, then decided to go play the 2-4 game. Unlike my table, this game was not so friendly. Some surly college kids were playing like they were at the final table at the WSOP, all intense, with their ballcaps and sunglasses and ipods.

This is so not Cosmo's style, he is there to have some fun. So he starts live-straddling and playing really loose. Finally he is in a big blind and a surly kid raises. "Hey you raise my blind?" he laughs and calls blind. The flop is 5Q4. Cosmo check calls - still not looking at his cards. Turn is an 8. check call. River is an A. check call. The kid throws down AA for a set. You know whats coming don't you?

Cosmo turns over 23 for a straight.

The kids goes KEEE-RAY-ZEEE. He makes such a commotion other tables are pausing to watch. He accuses the dealer of being a mechanic. The dealer takes great offense to this and calls over a floor manager and has the kid removed from the poker room. The kid goes to the Casino Management Office and fills out a complaint against Cosmo! So Cosmo is suspended from work for two days pending an investigation.

After that, the fun was over. All the dealers were cranky and distracted. We bid the Aladdin adieu, and went back to the room to sleep.

We all learned an important lesson that day; poker is a fun game.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand roll credits.


OK just for you who read this whole thing - The directors cut includes one more little story about Cosmo. I was talking to him after the whole incident and he suddenly said "hey, weren't you here about a month ago with your husband and you raise his blind?" Turns out Cosmo was our dealer last month when I tried to steal fhwrdh's bb and he fought back by playing the rest of the hand blind - and winning.