Sunday, June 26, 2005

Factgirl Reviews: Herbie Fully Loaded


(with guest contributor Hellcat)

Yesterday was a day packed with awesome social events, first Jelly had a birthday party that left him sunburned, exhausted (from swimming for four hours straight) and with a fierce sugar hangover. Then, Helly and I went with another mother daughter team to the movies.

When attending the cinema, I have found a few things most affect my enjoyment of the entire experience:

seat selection - I like to get to the theater about 30 minutes before showtime to ensure a prime seat in the center/forward of the house. Some people think the prime real estate is in the center/rear but beware, that area is filled with elderly people who talk all the way through the movie. Sitting in the front with the teens might seem scary at first, but rest assured, they make fun of the commercials and previews, but sttle down quickly once the credits roll.

concession purchase and distribution - Sometimes when you go to the movies with people you don't know very well, they may encourage you to deviate from the traditional popcorn, candy, coke trifecta. Hold fast and do not be swayed by the movie dogs and nachos and pretzels. They taste like licking the floor. drinks should be placed in the cup holder furthest from your seat mate unless you are sharing, leaving an empty cup holder between you. This is where the m&ms or sour patch kids go for sharing. Popcorn should be passed back and forth and then thrown on the floor when you are done.

movie friend - some people who are terrible to go to the movies with: fhwrdh (cranky, bad knees, hates all movies and people) Jellyface (can't stop talking, jumps up and down, popcorn/drink spiller) Hellcat (doesn't know how to whisper, squirmy, needs to pee every 30 minutes). Some people who are good to go to the movies with: my sister (good inside joke recall, likes the same kind of movies as me, we're sisters so we can share diet coke) Priya (so quiet during the film, great to discuss the movie afterwards)

and finally...

the film - Notice this is last on the list. I like movies. No, I love them. There are few films I cant find something to like about - which brings me to the movie of the day:

Herbie: Fully Loaded

From the first squirt of motor oil into the face of a slimy junkyard owner you know this is going to be a ride down memory lane - straight into summer 1974! Yeah, school's out for the summer, you got your cut offs, your halter top, your bike with banana seat and monkey bars and your mom doesn't care what you do as long as you don't stand in front of the TV while All My Children is on and you don't touch the box of wine in the fridge (avocado).

Lindsey Lohan plays Dean Jones, the owner of the Love Bu... oh wait we can't call it the love bug anymore. why? Because there is no love in the 2000s. So if Herbie's not loaded with love, what is he loaded with? Hollywood rumor says that Herbie was loaded with a little too much Lohan and her distractingly huge chest had to be digitally ensmallend! Luckily, I don't need Lohan's ladies to enjoy a movie - though I found myself looking for signs of photoshop in most every frame.

I was so distracted by my boob-sleuthery that I might have lost track of the plot, but thankfully the awesome writers at Disney Studios had my back. Just as in the 1974 version, the plot of Herbie: the Love Bu...er Fully Loaded is girl meets car, girl fixes car up, girl doesn't appreciate what she has, girl loses car, girl gets car back.

The simple story is enhanced by a sassy feel good soundtrack with songs like Walkin' on Sunshine, More Than a Feelin', and Workin' for the Weekend. Really, if you wrote a song in the 1970-80s with a ' in place of a g, your royalty check should be arriving any day. Watch for it. Really.

Cameos included Jeff Gordon, Jimmie Johnson and Dale Jarret. Buddy Hacket does not appear in this version because he died in 2003. Death doesn't keep Michael Keaton from playing Linsey's overprotective father - he has grown some excellent Nascar Facial Hair for the role thats almost worth a Google Image search. Not really.

In closing, let's ask six year old Miss Hellcat what she thought of this movie:

Mom: Helly, how did you like the movie?
Hellcat: It was stupid.
Mom: What about the girl?
Hellcat: She was so stupid.
Mom: How about that awesome soundtrack?
Hellcat: stupid.
Mom: How about the car? Wasn't the car cool?
Hellcat: *glare*
Mom:...
Hellcat: I never want to go to the movies again.

#fin#

4 comments:

StudioGlyphic said...

Hellcat sounds like a bad date. Maybe Hellcat should be left at home with fhwrdh so they can do boring things together.

facty said...

Agreed. Helly inherited my eyes and fhwrdh's sunny disposition. Her kickass poker skills are anybody's guess..

lometa said...

Hiya facty!

I found your blogger link on your E2 homenode when I came to wish you Happy Birthday!

Nice blog! And yer an awesome writer!

Wade Rockett said...

Oh my God, I SO want to see this movie now. Although I was crushed to learn from IMDB that Lohan's character isn't actually named "Dean Jones." That would have been awesome.

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