Saturday, August 27, 2005

Factgirl Recommends: Things to Eat

As my name implies, there are many many facts about me. One fact about me is that I have beautiful feet. I totally could have been a foot model. Another fact is that I love to eat every day.

Here are some food products I endorse - listed alphabetically so you can print and save for future reference or your scrapbook.

Barbecued Ribs - Eating ribs makes me weep for the poor dumb vegetarians of the world.

Diet Coke with Lime - Sounds gross huh? It is. But I can't stop drinking it.

Fried Calamari - Squid love to make us happy by jumping into fishing boats and being whisked off to Italian restaurants. From there, they leap into deep fryers, sacrificing their lives for our appetizers. Thanks squid!

Manwich Sloppy Joes - Sweet, savory and meatier than a Carrot Top photo shoot (ew!), there is no better way to get that school cafeteria smell into your kitchen than Manwich.

Peach Snapple Diet Iced Tea - If I blindfolded you and gave you this you wouldn't know it was diet. While you taste this tea I can also steal your wallet and stick a kick me sign on your back. Sucker.

Peanut Sweet and Salty Nut Bars - So yummy... Don't eat the Almond Flavor though. It is so yucky it will make you die.

Now here are some foods you must avoid if you want to be in my secret club:

Dr. Pepper - Invented in Waco, Texas. Waco. W A C O. I don't eat stuff from Waco. Especially stuff that tastes like satan poop like Dr Pepper does.

Dr. Pepper Flavored Jelly Bellys - OK lets say you were sitting at home on your porch and you wanted something that tasted like satan poop. You could go to the old ice box and grab yourself a Dr Pepper. But what if you wanted all that devily poop taste, but you wanted it to LOOK like bunny poop. Well, pervert, its your lucky day because here is your dream snack.

Mr. Pibb - Mr. Pibb rounds out the Manson Family of refreshment. I wish I were some kinda food judge so I could put this sad mix of carbonated corn syrup into soda prison forever.

Stay tuned for more things I recommend.


StudioGlyphic said...

I like Dr. Pepper.

Coincidentally I had pork ribs for lunch yesterday at the West LA Farmer's Market. Good stuff.

Byzantine said...

I work at a restaurant that serves fried calamari, often as the guy actually frying it. And though I like eating it myself when I go out, I hate when people order it. You can't keep it raw for more than about a day and a half without it going bad, and even before it goes bad, it smells like a wharf that hasn't been cleaned in weeks. You have to change gloves before and after you make it (not actually a huge deal, but when I've got fifteen orders to make simultaneously (only one of which is calamari) the slightest slowdown is resented--not just by me, but by the waitstaff, the head cook, and the manager). The tiniest drip from it on any surface other than the floor has to be cleaned off with diluted bleach--and being so slimy, it drips a lot. And the batter gets on everything, too, so that has to be cleaned off as well. It's just annoying unless you just have one person who does nothing else except make it.

It is a tasty treat, though.

Wade Rockett said...

That you for your recommendations, Factgirl! By an amazing coincidence I am drinking a Diet Coke with Lime, because that's the only way a Diet Coke can be made less foul. I cursed the gods at the grocery store yesterday when I had to decide between it and Diet Coke with Splenda for my week's soda supply. What hellish choice is this? P.S. I like Dr. Pepper so I cannot be in your secret club. But I've eaten pie with you and your sister so I figure I've had my run.

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